Date: 02.23.20 Free Chapel’s One Marriage Conference
father thank you so much for this moment
that you blessed all of us to be in I
thank you God for your word it’s a lamp
into our feet into light into our path
and I thank you God for the spirit of
wisdom and revelation and insight and
knowledge and full access to heavens
resources to be a blessing to your
people and I decree upfront that we’re
gonna be much better going out than we
were
upon coming in in Jesus name Amen amen
anybody better already since you’ve been
at this conference you just you’re
getting tools and perspectives and
insights and breakthroughs and and you
know in this last session I gotta tell
you I just really sense that God was was
saving marriages literally saving come
on somebody I mean he I just felt that
you could just tell when there is a
radical shift the directional shift the
trajectory of of a marriage and a
relationship was changing as a result of
what took place so many wonderful things
I think God for for this conference for
it for any marriage conference because
marriages is so critical it’s everything
and you get on the wrong side of a
marriage and it can be the most
depressing thing that you’ve ever
experienced and so anytime you you see
leaders that want to pour into two
couples and in two marriages best
believe that there is a blessing in the
building anybody believe that there’s a
blessing this is holy ground and I want
to add to that a little bit and and you
know when I think about marriage and
there for me it’s absolutely incredible
I mean my wife is my best friend and I’m
so much better because of her I mean I
mean you think about the gift of
marriage companionship forever love
forever all of the things that that
marriage brings all the gifts of
marriage but but there is a gift an
overlooked and often overlooked gift of
marriage that I want to talk about today
and quite possibly
it is the greatest gift of marriage and
that gift is who you get to become in
the process of being marriage married
what if what if the greatest gift in
marriage was not love what if it wasn’t
the fact that you have a life partner
but what if the greatest gift of
marriage is what marriage causes to be
produced on the inside of you
what what if marriage was about becoming
who you and I have the privilege to
become because of this unique thing
called marriage what if it was something
that we were becoming that we couldn’t
become in any other context other than
marriage and that’s what I want to
submit to you today if you’re taking
notes write this down marriage is an
institution of transformation marriage
is an institution of transformation one
things that I’ve learned about God is
that God not only wants you to be saved
they want you to be whole that that’s
what he came for he came to save you but
he also came to to make you whole
there’s a passage in Scripture it says
for this purpose the Son of God was
manifest that he might destroy the works
plural of the devil and that’s kind of
heavy because what does it mean to
destroy the work plural of the devil I
can see if he said to destroy the work
of the devil the sin that makes sense
but the works what it means my word says
works have to do with the residual
impact of sin so we get saved and our
soul is good we cept Jesus Christ
we’re going to heaven we’re good to go
but there’s still damage the way we see
things the way we engage how we trust
people or oftentimes how we cannot trust
and so God not only wants us to be saved
but he wants us to be everything that he
created us to be and one of the things
that God uses
to develop us to grow us is this
wonderful thing called marriage are you
tracking with me if you look at God’s
strategy marriage is one of God’s
strategy to produce the best us the best
version of ourselves think about it God
creates man in His image and then he
immediately he creates the one
relationship that challenges us to grow
unlike any other relationship there’s no
relationship on the planet that demands
growth quite like marriage if you take a
notes write this down you can’t have a
strong marriage without a strong you you
can’t have a strong marriage without a
strong you you can’t have a whole
marriage without a whole you a healthy
marriage requires a healthy you it all
boils down to what I like to call the
you factor the you factor is a critical
factor in marriage and here’s the good
news
a god-ordained marriage is designed to
produce strong you so how does this
development take place let’s talk about
it if you look at proverbs 17:17 there
is a truth hidden right there in that
text that I believe shows us how God
uses marriage the marriage relationship
to produce a version of ourselves that
we would not be able to get to otherwise
let’s get to it it says a friend loves
at all times and a brother is born for
adversity so you’re looking at that
right now and you’re saying
touré I don’t see anything at all about
marriage and this text well let me break
down some of these words for you so it
will help you out when it says that word
that was translated friend when it says
a friend loves at all times
it’s not talking about a close friend
it’s talking about an associate someone
that you are loosely acquainted with
right but somebody on your job for
example right it’s easy to love somebody
that you are loosely associated with you
don’t have to go home with them you
don’t have to balance a budget with them
come on somebody you you don’t have to
deal with what some of the things that
you have to deal with there’s some
people right now but to be honest with
you that the only reason why you’re
connected to them is because you work at
the same place if you take away that
opportunity to me your calendar you just
sync each day because you work together
if you took that away you guys wouldn’t
even be friends so this this this
pastors look so it says a friend which
is an associate loves at all times but a
brother it says and a brother is born
for adversity that word brother
it can mean brother but it really means
a close relative it is a widely used
phrase so it means somebody that you’re
actually in close proximity with so this
text is really about dealing with
proximity and what takes place with
varying degrees of proximity stay with
it it’s gonna get real sweet for you in
one level of proximity that is the
associate level of proximity
relationship is easy it’s easy to be
your friend when you know I see you at
the grocery store and you’re my favorite
teller or whatever it’s easy we meet at
the gym and all of a sudden man he’s so
great she’s so great but you don’t even
know them you haven’t spent time with
him you haven’t seen any other aspect of
dynamic of their lives and so so it’s
easy to love them and that word love
doesn’t ring like deep love it’s not
that that type of love it means life so
so so it’s easy to like someone that you
are that you are loosely associated with
it says but a brother or this close
relative it says
is born for adversity is born in other
words the purpose of this close relative
it is purpose watch this to be
confrontational at times I got and
practice the purpose and this can relate
since that word literally means close
relative certainly a spouse is a close
relative which means that watch this
confrontation in marriage is ordained oh
i’ma get to know you you don’t catch it
just a second somebody’s saying that’s
what it is
it’s ordained and we’re gonna unpack
that we’re gonna pack it because here is
the thing nothing worthwhile is shaped
by ease nothing worthwhile is shaped by
ease a marriage is the one relationship
where two people have to come together
and there is something in that coming
together that exposes things about you
that you would never see single that you
would never see by yourself one of the
greatest blessings of marriage is what
it reveals to you about you and how it
forces you to stretch and to grow and to
become are we tracking together and so
it’s in this this close proximity not
the associate proximity you don’t you
don’t grow there but it’s in this close
proximity of marriage we’re shaping
begins to take place a person it says a
friend loves at all times and a brother
is is born for adversity didn’t that’s
kind of heavy to me he’s born and that
were born interestingly enough has the
idea of to act as a midwife so if you
keep staring at this pass as it
basically says that a person that you
are loosely related to loosely involved
and you just you just associated with
you
at all times but but there’s someone who
is born to be confrontational in your
life that just so happens to be a close
relative and that were born literally
means midwife and when I was staring at
that oh my god what does this mean that
means that there’s something in your
spouse that will Midwife a better person
a better version of who you are I feel
the Spirit of God my wife is an
incredible gift she’s an incredible gift
to me and she has added so much to my
life
but what Trump’s what she has added to
my life is what she has brought out of
my life who I have had to be willing to
become and it’s of me that I would not
sign up for I wouldn’t sign up to be
this forgiving I wouldn’t sign up to be
this watch this self-reflective I
wouldn’t sign up a man’s ways come on
you know the word a man’s ways are clean
in his own eyes so I have no no
motivation to change why change if
things are clean in my own eyes but but
see what happens is when God blesses you
with a spouse you have in-house
accountability in-house accountability
because at the end of the day it’s not
what the Masters say about me it comes
down to what she says about me because
she knows the real me because we’re not
associates we’re close relatives can I
take my time and and unpack this thing
so it says a friend loves and associate
loves at all times that’s easy but a
close relative of a spouse let me just
just put that in there for the context
of this a spouse is born for adversity
that word adversity is a Hebrew word it
literally means
like this it’s tight anybody ever been
in a tight spot in your marriage you
just stay where your wife is right there
your husband’s right they just stay
right there
some of you like I’m in a tight spot
right now pacifier I’m gonna tighten is
tight over here it’s tight a word a word
adversity means tightness and it the
root word of that word that was
translated tightness is the works are
that means and this is kind of on a
threw me off a little bit but it means
pebble or stone so adversity is
tightness you get down to the root of
that word it means pebble or spalling it
kind of puzzled me at first and then I
thought about the process of how a stone
becomes smooth and if you think about it
the stone doesn’t become smooth all by
itself the stone becomes smooth because
of the friction that it has with other
stones in an environment river water and
some environment and so you know David
had had these smooth stones and they and
they weren’t smooth stones I don’t think
that he just that he’d found them smooth
maybe he did but maybe it was a metaphor
to a certain area we know it was literal
maybe it was had to do with a metaphor
about how he had so much friction in his
life that the five stones that he
possessed reflected what was cultivated
through tension phyllis speer right
there their tension it is in the tension
in your marriage if you can navigate the
god-ordained tension in your marriage
you will be a you well beyond anything
you could ever dream out are you
tracking with me it’s the friction and
the tension in marriage you’ve heard a
preacher the preachers at a marriage
comes preaches about tension in your
marriage you ought to have some tension
in your marriage that that seems so
awkward who says that of the marriage
conference
who encourages not that you go after
tension I’ve just talked about when you
find yourself to hold glorifies tension
in the marriage of the marriage
conference Tory Thomas Roberts because
there’s something that happens in the
tension if you know how to navigate it
well that will create not only an
incredible you but an incredible
marriage can we go further so I want to
give you some tools and really their
thoughts about how to navigate the
tension there’s anybody retention their
marriage before
what raise your hand if you are married
there we go now honesty has swept the
room if you are married and have never
had tension in your marriage just keep
being married
is coming it is all the way i prophesy
right now in Jesus name you’re gonna
have healthy God are they intention
that’s gonna bring out the best of both
of you and your spouse are we track it
together so let’s I got three twos three
thoughts three ideas three ways that I
want you to to consider tension because
it’s coming it’s coming and it’s here
and it’s coming told number one and this
is extremely important as it relates to
marriage and when you find yourself in
tension the tight spot don’t give up
before you grow up do not give up before
you grow up if you give up on marriage
before you grow up you miss the best
part
the best part of marriage is growing up
because here is the thing marriage
requires change I just want to keep my
independence I know I’m getting married
but I still want to be me I’m telling
you right now you cannot be the you that
you were when you get married I’m be
straight up with you
well I listen you know and we hyphenate
the names and that’s wonderful that’s
fine all that kind of stuff and you can
do whatever as long as you don’t
hyphenate your identity your when you
become married there is a requirement of
change you have to change you have to
change just to be able to facilitate the
relationship there is no other marriage
there’s no other relationship like
marriage marriage is so unique that the
scripture says for this cause a man
leaves watch this he leaves from
cleaving to his parents to now cleaving
to his wife for this cost for this for
this purpose for this cost in other
words the only green lights you have the
only thing that gives you permission to
leave one shaping and to move into
another shaping is marriage there’s
nothing there’s nothing like it why why
the
because why leave the parents why do I
have to for this cause to leave my to
leave and cleave because with what you
are leaving
you were once cleaving to and anything
you cleave to shapes you I’m teaching
the day I am a dawn teaching anything
that you’re connected to anything that
you cleave to shapes you defines you
develops you that that’s why when God
was getting ready to move upon Abraham
he told him first and foremost before
men you do this thing you’re gonna have
to leave your father’s house to a land
that I will show you he was stepping
into a new dimension of shaping for his
purpose and his destiny the only reason
why he had to leave was for the benefit
of shaping so when God tells Adam and he
says for this cause leave is because I
know that you were shaped by your
parents and that’s wonderful but there’s
another dimension of you that I cannot
get out of you until you clearly you are
if you get married and don’t change
something’s wrong and have to how could
you cleave how could you become one
without change and and and and the
reason why is so important not to give
up before you grow up is because you’ve
never been the you that you’re becoming
so you don’t even know what that looks
like yet so so what you’re saying you
can’t do you can’t really say you can’t
do it because you haven’t been the youth
that’s anointed to do it yet I can’t
stay in this thing I can’t put up with
this I can’t put up with that you don’t
know what you can do because
but if you stay in it God will develop
you and give you the ability to do
things and to endure things that you
could not do and the reward for staying
in here God said don’t be weary in doing
good for in due season
you’re gonna reap so the first rule the
first thought is you and I cannot give
up until we grow up I feel that some of
you right now and your marriage your
face and tall obstacles you’re facing
tall mountains and they seem bigger than
you but they won’t be for long
God’s gonna do something in the inside
of you I can’t wait to get to the next
point God’s gonna do something in the
inside of you that enlarges your insides
he’s going to enlarge your capacity and
now and soon and soon that thing that
you’re staring at that seems like it is
insurmountable you’re gonna be bigger
than and you’re gonna be glad you stuck
with it are we tracking together does
that make sense
all right don’t give up before you grow
up
number two make marriage a mirror not a
window mirror not a window what am I
talking about I’m talking about the
discipline of allowing the tension in
your marriage to produce reflection not
projection see a window you look through
at something else a mirror you look at
yourself one things I love about Jesus I
you know I gotta tell you about Jesus I
you know what Jesus
but jesus never affirms my complaints
about others I’ve never gone to Jesus
and said Jesus you know and I tell you
my wife or man that person to church or
whatever I’ve never done that and Jesus
says o2a that’s terrible shame on them
that has never happened when I go to
Jesus complaining he says something like
hey Tareq
why don’t you take the beam out of your
own eye so then you can see clearly
don’t you love that about Jesus don’t
you love the Jesus not a gossiper that
he won’t like to stroke you in the
lowest version of you like oh yeah
you’re right yeah you have a right to be
hurt Oh aren’t you glad I mean he’s a
good good father he’s a loving father
but every time I have a complaint about
somebody Jesus does not affirm me he
says yet to ray but but what can you do
that’s my child I’ve got them covered
but what can you do
so make marriage make marriage a mirror
not a window I don’t want to be so
distracted by looking at my spouse is
false that I miss my growth opportunity
because one of the things that I’ve
learned and this is important you can
write this down my maturity is connected
to her imperfection
my maturation needs her imperfection
because if she was perfect I couldn’t
grow and if I was perfect she couldn’t
grow are you tracking with me today so I
actually I need I actually need her
imperfection because her imperfection
pulls out a Jesus sized version of me a
[Applause]
challenging this is homework the moment
that your spouse does something a some
sort of way it ends up irritating you
look in the mirror because here’s the
truth i’ma let you she won’t say it’ll
he won’t say well this he wants there’s
stuff that you do that irritates them to
God God God how who do I need to be to
navigate their imperfection not God I
feel the spirit when I speak in tongues
and if I just
not God some tongue talkers in here
spirit-filled but you know not try this
not God
fix her God give me the capacity no not
give me God
release the capacity that you have
placed in me to deal with what I’m
complaining about I feel the Holy Spirit
God does not honor and reward
complainers God if you kv the spouse if
you came in this person there is an
anointing on the inside of me to handle
anything that comes with her if you
believe it takes about 3 seconds and
praise god for giving you capacity that
you don’t even know you have yet you got
capacity more than what you think in the
enemy is a liar and he will tell you you
can’t take it and if I was the devil I
would tell you that you cannot take it
right when you are on the cusp of a
breakthrough that would revolutionize
your entire generation you got to
understand the timing of the attack the
enemy’s resources are limited so when he
rose up on you hard it’s because you’re
in the middle you’re getting ready to
burst groups and everything is getting
ready to change
and you gotta recognize that I do have
what it takes I can’t take it stop
saying I can’t take it
now the obvious things we’re mature I’m
not talking about abuse of any form
let’s just qualify that because the
enemy’s slick I love somebody the
enemy’s slick and so a week and we’ll
try to put that word on you now you know
you can’t go nowhere you put your hands
on me watch how fast I go you have never
seen anybody go as fast as I will call
if you put your words on me real good –
amen I better move on so don’t give up
before you grow up talking about the
tension what to do in the tension rules
the tension is normal
I need tension what valuable thing in
life is produced without Jim
it is not foreign I hear I hear one of
the writers saying think it not strange
I think it was Peter or James so just
read the whole Bible you’ll find it but
he said think it he said think it not
strange concerning the fiery trial as if
some strange thing happened to you he’s
like who lied to you and told you that
this is strange just because it’s pain
doesn’t mean it’s strange it’s a part of
the refiners process right so don’t give
up before you grow up to make marriage a
mirror not a window and then three and
this is my favorite one sparring in
marriage is okay but never compete
sparring sparring you think about
sparring and boxing the person that you
are sparring with is on your side that’s
why it is a sparring partner I believe
in moments of tension it is okay to spar
as long as you spar with an
understanding that now can you imagine
sparring and in the person you’re
sparring partner knocks you out
I mean that person had something in his
heart no it’s okay to spar
listen Jacob wrestled with God rat
wrestling is okay but but there have to
be rules to wrestling right
first of all everybody all parties
involved need to understand that this is
just we are just trying to develop
something so so so you can’t be sparring
and the other person fighting and an
environment so kate is far I love with
my wife talked about earlier
she talked about speaking up not being
silent yes can I just be honest for a
second
my wife said no help me out a little bit
so I like like listen in another life I
was an attorney and my wife calls me an
attorney now because I will bring in
facts evidence witnesses over what we’re
gonna see what we’re gonna watch at the
movies tonight you know I will bring in
everything I will plead my case we will
have a jury trial and my wife early on
was just the opposite she anything that
looks like it is confrontational at all
and confrontation is not a bad thing
it’s just how you do it right
God confronts us all the time life
confronts us so it’s not a bad thing you
have to face things right to confront to
front to face something you got to do
that marriage right but anyway my wife
she and I do that and so I’d be over
there like baby and it’s just my
personality I’m passionately I got 11
years in business a bunch that’s just
who I am I’m a negotiator that’s what is
what I do
and I would ultimately be trying to get
us to something and for me that
something would just be unity in some
sort of way and she would just like shut
down something they’re sparring and
she’s just standing there but but here’s
the thing it was my fault because if I’m
gonna draw her into sparring I’ve got to
create an environment where she feels
comfortable and she feels safe she’s got
to know that her words matter that she
matters and that I’m not fighting her as
my opponent there’s only one opponent
and that opponent is disconnection
that’s what we’re fighting against it is
disunity and so after a while did not
drew in and so I switched the game up a
little bit and I started like you know I
just changed my changed the way I engage
my approach and now she she starts the
sparring sometimes now but it’s amazing
because we’re not trying we’re not
competing against each other and we’re
not trying to be right we are wrestling
come on like Jacob and God we are
wrestling because if we don’t deal with
this then there’s gonna be a disconnect
in our marriage and if you leave just a
little bit of room something unsaid it
gives the enemy foothold in our life
what am I saying
how do I tie this up and wrap it in the
bone allow you to take it home what I’m
saying is it’s the you factor I have to
become something no I get to become
something that I can never become
outside the context of marriage why
marriage because of the proximity
there’s no other relationship on the
planet that will force you to look at
yourself like a marriage marriage is
more about looking at you than it is
about looking at anybody else
don’t give up before you Grob marriage
is all about growth growth that you
would never sign yourself up for you
would never grow in these areas in fact
you wouldn’t even know that you need to
grow in these areas so if you feel the
tension you feel the pressure God’s
trying to grow you he’s trying to cause
you to be something and when you become
it you can pass it on to your kids
there’s some people in here and you’re
gonna start a whole new thing in the
back line of your family make marriage a
mirror i’ma look at me not gonna look at
her I’m not gonna look at him when
there’s an issue the first person I’m
gonna look at is myself got who do I
need to be and then I’m okay with
sparring I’m okay with speaking up as
long as I know who my opponent is and I
want to pray for you and I’m trying to
figure out the best way to do this
why don’t we all stand for a second
marriage is all about you but God he did
this but God she did that God he never
Lord she never got a saying but what
about you who do you need to be to
facilitate their growth
can you be a reflection of me in that
relationship if you hear
and you say pastor I get it
what I’m gonna do
as I’m gonna work on becoming I’m gonna
work on me I’m convicted not condemned
I’m convicted I’ve been looking at this
thing the wrong way
and I subscribe to the notion to the
idea that it was too hard I was getting
ready to give up and I had God saying if
you would just allow me to grow you up
it’ll be worth it I want to pray for you
father I thank you so much
for this moment that you brought us in
to goddess incredible conference so much
information so much impartation so much
revelation and God now will be one is
transformation we acknowledge Lord that
that salvation is the first step
transformation is the destiny god we
thank you for the person that you placed
in our lives they’re not perfect
nor are we but you gave them to us
no God give me the fortitude give me the
strength
give me the determination not to quit
but to embrace the growth that I need in
order to be who you created me to be
God any place where I have fallen short
of that forgive me Father I pray God if
there’s healing that needs to take place
if I’ve been impatient with my spouse if
I’ve been overly critical forgive me and
let a healing take place as what was
prayed earlier we’re gonna forget those
things that are behind and we’re gonna
step into this new reality
this new season this new commitment to
love better even through the tension
especially in the tension make us better
in Jesus name Amen amen god bless you
love you
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
you