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hey family i’m pastor torre welcome to
one youtube channel you’re getting ready
to hear a phenomenal message it’s gonna
bless you i have a couple of quick
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the screen if you want to give and last
but not least my new book balance is
available for pre-order now it is a
game-changing life-changing book you can
go to thebalancebook.com and get it and
there’s certain things that you will
have access to just by pre-ordering so
go to the website all the information is
there and let’s get into this powerful
amazing word god bless you
god bless you family happy sunday to you
and today we’re gonna have a lot of fun
we were praying about it and because we
know that valentine’s day is tomorrow
and um and many people are under the
theme of love we decided to do something
special and i’ve got a special guest
with me today
pastor sarah come on somebody we gonna
will you be my valentine let’s just go
and cut to this you know i’m married
what and i’m happily married so why you
always hit my line there ah i’m still
struggling you know
oh don’t make me kill you right here in
front of everybody okay all right all
right i’ll be your valentine will you be
mine that’s the question
do you see what i did
but she pushed up on me strong to start
this whole thing that is not okay is
this what we’re doing in 2022 that is
not what happened babe okay
so
he was interrupting me in church a
pastor imagine that
interrupting me while we were at a
service and i just gave him an
opportunity that he was obviously
fishing for
and it turned out to be very beneficial
for him
this is true
you know the funny thing is if she
wouldn’t have stepped up um
god would have had to have gone a
different route because that just kind
of was my thing i just was uh
not timid because i never been timid but
um
i just wouldn’t have done it so thank
you you know i i thank you for stepping
to me i
though it’s not like i hit you you know
what i mean like i knew that when i shot
my shot that it was gonna go you know
what i mean i’m not trying to say i’m
lebron in these streets but i knew when
i put that thing in the air it was
nothing but next how did you know
because you was wide open baby and he
was watching oh so i was the thirst
buddy
let’s stay focused okay all right all
right all right
well listen today is gonna be a lot of
fun we’re gonna be talking about love
and balance
and of course you know we’re passionate
about both themes as you know i’ve got a
book coming out in april call balance
pastor sarah wrote the forward and
it’s just an incredible work and we’re
excited about
bringing balance and equilibrium to the
world because the truth of the matter is
man we just got off course and i just
believe that the what god gave us
to put into this book is going to help
so many people so those are the biggest
themes that are in our universe right
now love of course is valentine’s day
and then balance so we’re going to have
a lot of fun we’ve got questions some of
you sent in your questions so we’re
going to try to get to as many questions
as we can but we want to just begin our
conversation about love and balance and
we were kind of just you know just
talking in bed the other night we
realized that there is a connection
between love balance and imbalance
wouldn’t you say yeah there should be a
connection between love and balance but
i really feel like that when a person
first falls in love that it does create
imbalance love has a takeover spirit
which is why i think so many people are
afraid of it afraid of having children
afraid of truly investing in a
relationship because people don’t want
to lose themselves in the concept of
love
yeah it is overwhelming
you’re right i love what you call the
takeover spirit because
you do it’s like when we think back on
like when we first fell in love and you
know we both were busy and doing our
thing but like the only thing that
mattered for sure was was love
and um and so
love kind of
threw us out of balance it was
imbalanced because it was because it was
so new yeah and because it was so
exciting and because it was so
exhilarating
it became our whole life and you know
even our children to a certain degree we
love our kids but even they collect they
tell they tell horror stories about us
first dating and us being newlyweds and
how we would go out to dinner and forget
to feed them but that’s not true right
there was cereal in the house that was
cereal
baloney hot dog
yeah we just weren’t taking them with
them and look at them they’re still
living yeah
but but but you you’re right
love in the beginning yeah
throws you out of balance yeah uh
everything is all one-sided
all you’re concerned about is this uh
and then there’s certain things that
happened i mean we were talking about
you know sometimes you pick up a few
extra love pounds yeah for sure yeah
that happy that happy
[Music]
what i’m talking about where you just
all of a sudden y’all just you love each
other so much and you were working out
to get
to get yourself ready for the person yes
yes but but then you start you know you
start
slipping in certain areas time
management goes out the window and other
things and so isn’t it funny
we’re looking for love
but sometimes love is the very thing
that that can knock us off our square
yeah i think love feels so delicate in
the beginning stages that it does
require so much attention or at least
the perception of so much attention
because it feels like at any moment it
could fall apart like are you still
interested do you still adore me am i
still showing up in this moment as
someone who you desire to be with and i
think that that’s why it requires all of
the attention that it receives i was
thinking it’s almost like it breaks your
heart open when you fall in love in this
incredible beautiful way but just like a
broken bone it changes the way you walk
it changes the way you show up and
eventually you have to learn to live in
that space of love and it can be
challenging i think that that’s what
makes or breaks like the honeymoon stage
or the puppy love stage into something
that is actually foundational in your
identity is can we survive when we have
to swing the pendulum at least in the
middle and begin to incorporate love
into our lives because we can’t we can’t
really
live there you know i have a you know i
have great friends and people that say
you know the honeymoon
don’t won’t last forever
and you know and i fight against that
because i think that we we have
we do have honeymoon moments i mean we
got moments where it’s just like okay
we’re married and we’re gonna do our
thing and everything but but i think for
the most part
every day i wake up in a honeymoon in a
dream to a certain degree but i do think
that it is
kind of a fallacy or maybe
a
false expectation
to just believe that you can survive
that a relationship can survive
in this
all i’m concerned about is love or all
i’m concerned about is this relationship
some of the fears of you know is this
too good to be true i think you
mentioned that and so you’re trying to
hold and this is the most i want to keep
it uh and you’re thrown out of balance i
think that that the honeymoon season
kind of does shift
when now in order for the marriage to be
sustained
it has to swing the pendulum has to
swing back to balance and this is where
the rubber meets the road because
if we only work when we’re being
irresponsibly in love wow right when if
when we’re all we’re doing is thinking
about love we’re sowing here but if
we’re honest we’re not taking care of
this over here yeah you know we’re not
taking care of you know some of our
responsibilities or our priorities our
kids you know whatever it might be
does this love still work when i now
incorporate it into all of my other
priorities yeah and that’s where the
honeymoon could technically end and
whether rubber beats the road you know
it reminds me i used to people used to
say this all the time in church so much
so that i thought it was a scripture but
don’t be so heavenly minded that you
aren’t any earthly good and it makes me
think about how people who first fall in
love with jesus and they’re just like
quoting scriptures blessed and highly
favored anytime you ask them how they’re
doing at the end now you know those
people
but at the end of the day our
relationship with god still has to
transcend into our everyday life just
like love does and i think that that
idea of like how do i get this to show
up in a way that honors my relationship
with god or honors this love honors this
relationship but also gives me room to
be who i need to be in order to grow
because i do feel
if we do not find balance and love then
we’re going to find resentment where
there was once love because i can’t be
myself any longer in order to make this
work
absolutely and you said be be myself
there’s a chapter in balance
i’m going to say this about most of the
chapters it’s one of my favorite
chapters in the book uh but the chapter
is called there is no team in i
and it’s no i int
no no no no that’s the yeah that’s the
thing you better
no team and i because as you know the
the phrase the most popular phrase is
there’s no i in team it’s you know you
can’t be about i or self
in order for or in order to make the
team successful and i flipped that and i
said there’s no team and i and it’s not
to negate the fact that you have to have
a team mentality if you’re in a team in
order to win i get that but oftentimes
if if self
isn’t
tended to then you actually do a
disservice to the team or the marriage
or the partnership the relationship
because you’re not bringing your best
to the equation and it’s funny in that
chapter i kind of talk about you know me
and motorcycles me your motorcycles and
this is funny story me and sarah we’re
in dallas and we saw this couple
and they were riding motorcycles they
had two harleys and and and and did she
have an afro
no i think it wouldn’t have been that
yeah we envisioned that but you know
after the story gets long
it felt like she had this big old
beautiful afro and it just seemed like
it was just blowing in the windows it
was an action
i think she had an afro a beautiful
but i think it was in the spirit realm
in the spirit realm
but they look so cool you remember that
scene baby i do no they were dope they
were depressed you don’t see a lot of
black couples in the motorcycle
community from what i have been exposed
to so to see this couple out on a
saturday and they were just giving it to
us like they fooled the leather the
chaps the black the harley and they was
cruising it was beautiful it was and so
we said
hey
that’s us we’re going to learn how to
ride these motorcycles and we’re going
to do that right remember why can’t you
just celebrate other people now we got
to step into it no no no no no that’s us
so we got this oh we were next oh yeah
and so we talked about it for a while we
talked about it for a while and uh and i
went and kind of went and i went and
bought a motorcycle you know i’m like
come on babe let’s do this i was like
whoa
you were serious yeah
so i get the motorcycle you know i’m
trying to get her into it um and she was
a little
reluctant and you know whatever and so
you looking like you want to say
something
you’re reluctant to speak your truth but
you were reluctant um
i was reluctant i was what was most uh
the greatest part of my reluctancy had
to do with the fact that the motorcycle
classes started at six o’clock in the
morning okay okay and and i felt this
that didn’t
okay i couldn’t do that so you have to
take motorcycle classes get your
motorcycle license and you need to take
the class cause you don’t take the
classes the last thing you want to do is
be on the motorcycle and not know how to
ride a motorcycle and fall down the
motorcycle that’s not that that’s not
jesus
so
i start writing
and at first i’m like babe i’m going for
rye you know come out with me and she
would come out with me you know and then
you know it just seemed to me that she
was like less and less and less excited
about
riding this motorcycle i felt like she
was only doing it because i asked her to
do it
and
and so i would go out by myself and i
would start feeling guilty
like man we had this vision about us
doing it together and i’m having a blast
i’m i’m on pch you know what i mean i
got my gear i’m looking like a straight
dork i realize now that true bikers
don’t wear all the harley gear you don’t
do that that’s when you tell the whole
world that you’re not really a biker
because you’re trying to be a biker and
i had harley davis and everything harley
davidson over here harley davidson down
my leg i mean it was just stupid it was
just bad or whatever and i was into it
and i started riding but what was crazy
is i started feeling guilty
even though i was having a good time it
was soul cleansing
um you know when i came back i was a
better man i had more patience and
everything i felt like
because we weren’t doing it together
somehow i was cheating
and violating the relationship when
really it was the other way around uh
because who
even though she is not
into it the way that i’m into it
the reality of it is that when i go out
when i take time to myself it became
tourey time and i take time to myself
and i get on the bike i come home i’m
better i’m more patient honey have you
ever like
do you
struggle like me with feeling guilty for
needing a little bit of time to yourself
or or you know what i’m trying to say
for sure
as a parent as a wife we are taught you
know to really i think anyway put our
families first make sure we’re taking
care of them and that we’re serving them
and you know there’s conscious parenting
and i’m in therapy and i want to make
sure that i’m bringing my best to you
and our relationship and yet the truth
is that there are moments where i feel
like i’m so busy pouring out for
everyone else that i don’t have anything
that restores me which is why i loved
motorcycling for you because you don’t
really do anything for fun like i enjoy
cooking it’s nothing for me to sit
outside for hours with the book like you
didn’t have an outlet and so when you
went motorcycling and came back like i
loved who you were when you came back
from having that time
and yet i’ve had to
really encourage myself to advocate for
when i need time and to say i need help
and to say like i want to take the
weekend and go to a hotel and just sleep
for a few days and it’s hard though
because i feel like i’m letting you all
down when i do that
yeah is it that that that right there
what you just said
there is this
idea
that i think that
everybody struggles with particularly
parents if you’re in a relationship and
sometimes even your commitment to your
organization
is to say that if i
throw up my hand and say hey i need a
break for me had nothing to do with you
has nothing to do with i’m not running
away from you i’m not running away from
the kids i’m not even running away from
work but the reality of it is in order
for me to be balanced so that i can
produce
my best i need this but there is this
i’m going to call it what it is there’s
this lie
that we tell ourselves
that says that if i take care of me
i am damaging
violating or being disloyal to you and i
think that that is something that we
have to confront
because if we don’t to your earlier
point we’re going to end up bitter yeah
we’re going to miss things we’re going
to have
resentment yeah and um
it’s just an important conversation i
was just thinking about this the other
day because i was looking at all of my
responsibilities and projects and
deadlines and working out and taking
care of the kids and breakfast all this
stuff and i was thinking to myself well
maybe if you’re waking up at five
o’clock to work out instead of working
out you can catch up on your emails and
i was like that’s your problem right now
right there is that you would rather
disappoint yourself
than to disappoint someone else and
that’s how you know you have a
people-pleasing mentality because you
would rather let yourself down and let
yourself go as opposed to letting
someone else down but then who you show
up to do that work as someone who’s
disappointed because they betrayed
themselves is a disservice to the work
in their relationships that you’re
serving and so i’ve had to really tell
myself that the habit and practice of
allowing yourself to be the first one to
go the first one voted off the island
the first one who can handle the
disappointment and the heartbreak at the
expense of not showing up for what you
need is a habit that i have to break
that’s powerful in balance there’s a
chapter called the power of no
this if you didn’t get the book for
anything other than this chapter the
power of no it would be worth the entire
book but in that chapter i start talking
about false loyalty
and and what false loyalty is is when
under the
the um
the guise of being loyal to somebody
you are disloyal to yourself
i am a firm let me tell you something
i’m big on loyalty i believe in loyalty
if i even get a whiff of someone not
being loyal i’m done with them but
loyalty has limits and i think that the
limit of loyalty is when you take
loyalty to someone else so far
that you forsake or ultimately are
disloyal to yourself and here is the
truth
i love no
because what no does is no
qualifies your relationships
because some relationships
we are only they only work because you
never say no
they only work because the relationship
is based on your yes all the time and so
so sometimes you need to throw a no out
there just to qualify whether or not
that relationship is worth you
i’m learning that even in our
relationship with our kids to be honest
because sometimes i feel like the only
way that they’re able to continue to ask
me for things that feel unreasonable or
that i don’t have the energy to give is
because i never say no and i’m afraid
sometimes as a parent is that i’m going
to end up snapping on them because they
don’t know how expensive the yes i give
them is and so i’ve learned to
communicate like mckenzie wanted me to
watch something with her and i was in
the middle of cooking dinner like it’s 6
15 it is prime everyone’s about to be
hungry time and she’s trying to show me
something on youtube and instead of
snapping and being like don’t you see
that i don’t have time i’m busy right
now i’m like mackenzie i want to give
that my undivided attention and right
now i’m cooking and so i’m not going to
be able to watch it so explaining to her
and giving her context of like what all
goes into me saying yes and why i can’t
say yes in this moment because outside
of just romantic love our sense of
obligation to the people we love in
general will have us dividing ourselves
and then being frustrated that they
didn’t see how we have fallen into
pieces
so what you’re saying is
we train people
on how to violate our boundaries
it’s one thing for someone to attempt to
violate our boundary and we say no right
that powerful word called no but you’re
saying by saying yes all the time we are
actually not only empowering them but
encouraging them to step across our
boundaries yeah because it’s not really
yes it’s like sure you know what i mean
it’s an attitude like it’s a yes but
it’s not a full yes and i would rather
have a strong no than a resentful sure
or a resentful yes because at the end of
the day at least i know where your
limits are and can i say something to us
strong friends that’s got to be there
for everybody people
like i want you to understand that part
of the reason why we often feel like we
don’t have an outlet while we feel like
we have no one to talk to is because we
are constantly showing up in that yes
instead of saying i don’t have capacity
to do that right now i wish i had the
emotional energy but i’m just not able
to hear that i’m going to pray for you
maybe there’s someone you can talk to
maybe you should consider therapy i’m
not trying to even walk you through this
but we’ve got to start putting up
barriers because we can’t continue to be
everything for everyone and nothing to
ourselves babe that’s that’s so
powerful and we’re so guilty because
we we are strong we’re high capacity
individuals we’re high capacity leaders
but high capacity is not unlimited
capacity exactly you know what i mean
and
i think what you said is so powerful and
you’re right
we have to teach people
that we are we have to we have to
teach people i want to say this right we
have to
show our humanity yeah
we have to teach people
that
although
you know every time you see us we’re
giving you ain’t seeing us all the time
yeah you’re only seeing us in curated
moments of power yeah right so we’re
here we’re talking right now it feels
like we got some answers it feels like
we got it all together but but this is
45 minutes on the stage
we have to spend 23 more hours 23 hours
and 15 more minutes of this day being
who we are and so i think that
being honest being open being
transparent even like sometimes
if i don’t return a text or if i don’t
return an email or or if i can’t get to
my dms sometimes it is straight out
because i don’t have the capacity to
like you only have like a certain amount
of energy assigned to you and uh and a
good person has to budget it and spend
it wise i think that’s a brilliant point
you know what i was thinking when you
were saying about teaching people about
your boundaries is in a relationship you
often have to re-enroll someone into a
class because where my boundaries were
when we first met versus where they are
now that we have children or that i have
this new job or i’ve moved into this new
city has changed and sometimes someone
is in a relationship with a version of
you that no longer exists
and it is our responsibility not to say
you don’t get me but to say okay it’s
time for us to re-enroll in the
classroom of me and for me to re-enroll
in the classroom of you so that i can
understand how do i support you now what
are your boundaries now who are you what
makes you happy what makes you tired and
like you asked me on our first date how
can i serve you if we’re not constantly
first of all that takes a lot of energy
to be in a relationship with someone
where you’re saying i constantly want to
enroll in the classroom and of you takes
a lot of energy and i think maybe we’ll
make wiser relationship decisions if we
realize that we’re signing up to be in
school with someone for the next 100
years of our lives that’s so true but
you know what that requires and i think
there’s just where a lot of people fall
off it requires not only self-awareness
it requires self-awareness and it
requires soul awareness you know because
you have to be self-aware enough to know
that
you have changed wow so most people a
lot of people oftentimes they change but
they they’re not connected with
themselves enough to really not just
know that they have changed but dig into
their soul enough to know what that
change is and what that change means and
um and even you know again back to
balance because we talked about love and
balance you know i talk about
soul awareness you know because your
soul
knows what it needs but the problem is
there’s so much noise
there’s so much noise around us that we
can’t even listen to our soul because
like our soul is honest like it is the
most honest part of who we are and uh
and then because of all the noise that’s
around us that noise distorts the voice
of our soul
our soul will tell you what you need it
will tell you your soul will tell you
when you need to take two days and go
out to newport beach or or go to mexico
or go down to anywhere get out the house
take a walk go to the mall or whatever
your soul knows what you need but you
have to we’re not in relationship with
ourselves and oftentimes we’re not even
relationship with our souls and so we
can’t even articulate and communicate to
that person that that loves us and wants
the best for us the person that we’re in
relationship with we can’t even
articulate to them what we need or that
we’ve changed because we haven’t taken
time to process the changes that have
taken place within us i’m just thinking
about the people who are punks like me
and i think to themselves like how do i
communicate it without
sounding needy or sounding weak and
there is vulnerability connected to it
so yes you have to do this soul work and
that within itself is worth a journey of
balance and wholeness to get to a place
where you can do that but once you do it
to have the vulnerability to say to your
partner i’m in need my mental health is
in trouble
i’m on the brink of depression or
anxiety and i need this because
sometimes we’ll say we’ll need it but
we’re going to stay with attitude do you
see how much i do around this house of
course i need a break and that can make
another person very defensive but to
come from a place of vulnerability
because you’ve done the work to honor
your soul and to be able to say i know
i’m holding it together but i haven’t
gotten over the grief i know i’m holding
it together but it really did get to me
when this happened and i need a minute
to sort through myself
that takes vulnerability that a lot of
times we’re not willing to pay but can
help us navigate relationships where we
have to have their support in order to
get away because a lot of us can’t just
get up and get away without having
someone sign a permission slip saying
i’ll hold it down while you’re gone
this is really big and we’re not just
talking about something that we read in
the book
this is the reality of of our lives i
can recall a time
you remember we were living in encino i
remember where we were and everything
and and we both i think we were maybe a
year into the marriage maybe you know
the moment i’m talking about i think so
and uh and um
and it was like
we we needed to say something to each
other one to another but we’re both we
were both the time so proud
and so like no i got mine you got yours
we don’t need you know and what we
needed to tell each other in that moment
were these three words
i need you
and
but it it i could almost
remind you we’re married we’re married
adam moved from texas we blend in our
families together and it just it just
didn’t
it was it was terrible it was like
because all of the conversation was
leading us to
the desperate need to be vulnerable
enough to with each other to say these
three words that we both were
overwhelmingly feeling but felt like we
would be punks
we would be weak
i need you well you know what it is like
we want to fall in love but we don’t
want to need someone ah there it is you
know what i mean like i love you but i
don’t need you i don’t need you okay i
got my own money i take care of myself i
make good decisions if i don’t make a
decision i pick up the consequences
our
culture
doesn’t really feed us that there is
this threshold between loving someone
into building a life with them in which
you do need them like i don’t you
shouldn’t be in a marriage where you
don’t need the other person because it
isn’t marriage in other words
the marriage is a partnership yeah and
in a partnership you don’t have you
think about you even related to business
you don’t have a business partnership
where you don’t need the partner’s
contribution exactly the whole purpose
of the partnership whether it’s a joint
venture whatever it is is because
there’s strengths that both people bring
and this whole institution is based on
this
stronger thing yeah that that the two
parties come together and produce so it
is like it’s foolish and marriage is an
institution it’s a partnership so for me
to come to mayor and say i don’t need
you first of all it’s alive
maybe when i was single i didn’t need
you but now that we have this new thing
we need each other and i mean that’s why
you have to be whole when you get
married right you need to be confident
in yourself and you need to know what
you bring to the table like all of those
things are true but you want the fullest
version of you so that when you become
one with someone you have some pieces
that you can afford to i’m going to say
lose because at the end of the day there
are some spaces where your partner’s
going to come in and lift that weight so
you don’t have to do that anymore but if
you come in and you’re already at a
deficit and then this person wants more
from you of course you’re going to be
frustrated upset and ready to quit
because you didn’t have anything to give
in the first place two halves will make
a hole i want to round out that story
because
when we finally
let it squeeze through our teeth
it was fourth of july weekend i remember
it and you said it first cause i don’t
think i would have had the the
the
to say it first
and you were like and you said it in the
softest way
and your eye and you were being
vulnerable and your eyes your beautiful
brown eyes were yeah
right here your beautiful brown eyes
watered and you were like
i need you
and then i was like
i need you too
an epiphany six months into marriage
and it was
it was a breakthrough moment that might
have been the first major breakthrough
of our marriage yeah
i think
there comes this moment
after fighting and grieving and going
through brokenness and heartbreak where
you finally allow yourself to receive
another person fully
in a way that changes you
and
it felt good to have someone worthy of
needing
wow and to be in a place where i could
express it yeah
it um
we’ve had
subsequent vulnerable moments from there
oh yeah um
the past two years
were extremely challenging for me as you
know
i’m writing a book
i’m writing balance
i don’t feel like the writing is my best
the world is changing
everything that we’re doing has changed
our tours come to a complete stop
our outside speaking stops we can’t
gather in person anymore
there is uncertainty everywhere
none of us have ever had to live
with the fear of am i going to catch
this and die are my children going to
end up being orphans
um is something going to happen is the
economy going to shift in such a way
that we lose our home and all these sort
of things and and so we’re walking
around with that and
and i really feel like man i i
oh oh oh oh oh oh the other moment the
other moment um
uh i’m that i need to stay on track i
need to stay on track um but no i it was
such a it was a tough season
and
i think would you say
that i i kind of came clean
with you
about
my struggles with having it together and
and did i become more
transparent and vulnerable about
you know just how heavy things were did
i you were i know what you’re about to
say
in my life tell on me am i allowed to
share that moment
okay so we are in the room and you’re
telling me about how stressed you are
and um you know and wearing a pandemic
and all of this stuff and i was like of
course your mental health is being
challenged you’re like what what
mental health don’t play with people’s
mental health
[Laughter]
your mental health is a part of your
being and i think that that was a moment
in which you allowed yourself i mean i
broke out the feelings wheel and
everything like we no it was first of
all
don’t tell me
that that don’t even mention mental
health because i don’t know there was
this even on my own mind and i encourage
therapy i go to therapy you know but
there was something about i had never
looked at
mental health
as this
neutral thing yeah because the term
mental health literally is neutral you
know but i think because there’s such a
stigma and and sometimes even a fear
yeah you know of of always of not being
crazy let’s just call it what it is not
being a lunatic or whatever this is fear
that i could i i was so blocked that i
didn’t even realize
that mental health is a neutral phrase
the same way physical health yeah you
know mental health
oh i started binding the devil no depth
in life is in the power of the tongue
take it back take it back so what are
you talking about but it wasn’t
but it was a it was a breakthrough you
were so calm you so calm and sweet with
me well you know well i wrestled to you
know but the reality of it is
my mental health
in fact not just mine everybody’s mental
health was challenged during that time
but vulnerability the fact that
um
you could
draw out
my vulnerability i think was a powerful
thing and i think that
the greatest growth and we’ve had a
number of
power moments in our in our marriage and
we have a a really
outstanding marriage i like it i mean
it’s really you know listen it’s not
without its realities yeah but but it’s
solid and and i thank god for it but i
think that some of the for me
the major
breakthrough moments in our marriage
have
centered around you being vulnerable me
being vulnerable us being vulnerable
together oh yeah and we’re learning
deeper levels of vulnerability i think
you know to talk about balance in a
relationship i think part of the reason
why relationships can get off balance or
imbalanced is because i’m not sure how
much of myself i can put on the scale
like i know you like this version of me
but if i add this childhood trauma if i
add this anger if i add the fact that i
say a thousand mean things before i get
to how i actually feel onto the scale
can you handle that and i think little
by little we’ve added different things
onto the scale and been blown away that
we can still stay balanced and i think
that that is the dance of marriages i’m
going to put something on the scale i
don’t know how you’re going to handle it
and then that person comes through and
says i can handle that give me more and
we’ve been doing that for for years now
we we have been and and i think you get
to a certain point
where you no longer have to test
what you put on the scale yeah you you
have
put enough on the scale look if if that
joker was gonna be gone like if you
could handle that
if you don’t know me by now you know uh
and and it’s it’s a beautiful thing we
better take a couple of questions
so let’s see um how important
is friendship and humor in a spouse i
think that’s a personal choice right but
you’re crazy like i mean you’re and i
mean that in the most loving way like
you have a real problem if i put my wig
down in front of you it could end up on
your head and you could just be walking
around and i think that that’s
problematic
no it’s true i think that life you know
again to each his own because some
people are very stoic and not moved
humor they said friendship and humor i
think friendship oh my gosh that’s not
negotiable you know because i think in a
relationship and spouse you know i talk
about this all the time i feel like a
good marriage a good relationship a good
partnership is like a house yeah you
know and a house has many rooms you’ve
got the erotic room you know you’ve got
the
the the business partnership room you’ve
got the parenting room and you better
have the friendship room because i think
that the friendship room
is like the living room it should be the
biggest most utilized room in the house
because you’re not always going to feel
you know sexy you know i mean most of
the time i think it’s the kitchen can do
which kim called the fruit the
friendship room the kitchen okay because
i really do think that that feeds our
ability to show up in all of the
different spaces
i like that no i like that the kitchen
the kitchen well like we got the kitchen
and it kind of extends over into it yeah
so that that one right
i love that so it’s very important uh
and again the humor is i think humor is
good the scripture says that laughter is
good like medicine uh and i and
life for me personally life is too
crazy to not laugh we’d be laughing
laughing about stuff that’s like you
should really be crying but if you like
it
listen that’s at least we still here
um okay so what percentage of our
relationship do you think is friendship
oh
what percent oh god easy
okay so we’ll let’s talk about the let’s
the pie is friendship
um partnership
friendship
friendship
parenting parenting romance
oh those three yeah friendship
oh friendship and parenting is in there
i’d say
romance is is
we got parenting in there
i’d say friendship is
at least 60 percent i was going to say
70. you’re going to say that’s i almost
said 70 at first
yeah you know
but um yeah so 70 and then uh and then
we just divide the other two by 15. sure
cool you know what i mean because
they’re our roommates you know what i
mean we’re trying to get them kids at
the house oh we love them we love them
a lot
but you know also
we got enough time to take let’s take
one more
uh
some of these we already answered how do
you love yourself in a healthy way in
order to show up for your spouse family
better we said that uh how do you keep
the spark alive why did you pick that
question
i mean i mean it’s kind of a lot to ask
but that’s it
um well let’s talk principle let’s talk
principle so
i keep the spark alive
by not assuming
that what moved my wife
yesterday
moves her today
um i tried to
study her um study her interests because
she’s evolving i’m evolving our marriage
is evolving and so i’m watching
what’s moving her
and i try to kind of come and and and
swim in that ocean with her you know
what i mean so i think because the spark
you talk about these smart
something is sparking your partner
already
right you just want to make sure that
you are educated enough
in your partner in what’s making her
spark to add your unique flavor to that
so that she can have that double spark
that makes sense no because because
something
and maybe it’s not for everyone but but
something is making you smile something
is
making you curious something is peaking
your curiosity rather something is
intriguing you
right so you’re you’re sparked about
something listening to the dream the
passion what are you excited about and
then like for you and maybe it’s it’s
different for everyone you know knowing
their love language with moves and
whatever but i know for me if i
encourage you inspire you or jump in the
river of what you are currently excited
about
it’s coming right back to me
it’s coming right back to me okay that
makes sense yes it does all right okay
so i think part of keeping the spark
alive
is
one creating a space where you can
connect with one another without
distractions
because i think that who we are when
we’re at the house with our roommates
versus who we are on vacation are two
completely different people so creating
an environment where you can look
exclusively at your spouse set or
partner
secondly like don’t forget to gas your
partner up like they you find like i see
you look at them traps coming up on you
you know what i mean like look at that
collarbone like you need to guess your
partner yes i see you you need to gas
your partner up and secondly like just
don’t forget to like you know get sexy
you know what i mean like make it sexy
like don’t feel
like you know everything has to be so
boring like every now and then turn up
and let your partner know like it’s not
just for the gram it can happen for you
right now do you know what i’m saying
like i’m not just getting dressed up to
go out i’m getting dressed up to go in
do you see that
oh
glory to god well that’s about all we
have time for today
no it’s true yeah and not to take not to
take each other for granted right not to
live off of the high
of the sparkiness of your first year or
your first two or three years or
whatever but to say
that person’s still in there yeah that
person that dug that that’s really
that’s really good i read this book one
time maybe this will help the ladies um
but i read this book about a woman who
was having a difficult time showing up
and feeling sexy within her marriage and
it’s because she had so many different
responsibilities that in order to even
channel herself to where she could be
sparked she had to connect with her
womanhood first which i think goes back
to the no
i in team
because at the end of the day if you
were not connected with yourself and you
don’t know what moves you you don’t know
what inspires you you don’t know what
draws your intention then you can’t even
tell your partner how to spark you up at
the end of the day sure you want your
partner to give you a spark but you got
to tell them where the ignition is to
understand what i’m saying when i said
that amen look and we that’s one thing
about us one thing i love about us is we
we talk about we don’t leave a lot of
room for guessing yeah right we we we
are in conversation with each other so
much about everything
that we know
how to spark one another yeah like it’s
not a mystery so uh i think
communication and uh knowing each other
and doing all these things
is how we keep the spark alive well
family this has been
amazing uh this has been i’ve enjoyed
this conversation
we have to we have to do it more um
i cannot
encourage you enough if you haven’t
pre-ordered balance pre-order balance uh
there are all sorts of incentives there
are a whole bunch of uh teachings and
various things coming your way um
pre-order you can go to
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you right now
uh in fact i think today might even be
the last day because the call to pioneer
uh which is our two-day intensive for
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if you pre-order balance then you get a
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if you’ve already pre-ordered the book
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you can go to thebalancebook.com and get
that and uh happy valentine’s day oh and
one more thing
l.a baby
let’s
go
rams let’s
go
but um we love you um we thank you so
much for your partnership with one with
this movement uh you’ve been in an
incredible uh online community you’ve
been incredible in person community
we’re praying right now we’re
strategizing about uh
in person so that’s that’s coming soon
that’s in the works we want to do it
right and in the safest way possible
you’ll hear more about that but we love
you we thank god for you thank you for
your partnership