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hey family pastor T here god bless you

listen you’re getting ready to hear a

powerful message and I wanted to also

remind you about the message that is in

this book it released as you know on

February 6 is already number one new

release on Amazon in three different

categories if you don’t have this book

in your life

get it in your life it is changing the

world one whole person at a time but God

bless you for now I’ve got a great

message that I want you to hear check it

out see you soon

father we thank you for your love

there’s nothing like it there’s nothing

that heals like it there’s nothing that

feels like it there’s nothing that

affirms like the goodness and your mercy

endures forever and to know that nothing

will ever separate us from that love

nothing we’re grateful and father may we

have a fresh encounter with that radical

agape love sometimes we forget sometimes

life would try to throw us curveballs

and situations that would attempt to

communicate to us the gross falsehood

that you don’t love us the reality of it

is you you know every strand of hair on

our head before we were even place in

our mother’s womb you were into us

hallelujah and it’s good to know that

you will always be be with us during

this time in Jesus name Amen well we’re

gonna do something a little different

today we thought because we are on the

heels of Valentine’s Day that we would

take this time to encourage and

strengthen our community and all those

who are watching in the name of love and

in the area of love regardless of

whether or not you are married

single divorced in a situation or all of

the above we wanted to encourage you one

passage of Scripture we’ll look at and

then we’re going to sit down and have a

conversation and that passage is out of

Mark chapter 10 and verse 9 and it reads

like this very simply put therefore what

God has joined together let not man

separate god bless you you may be seated

that will that will be an Amen right

there Wow

just by a show of hands we we just want

to do a little poll if you would but if

you’re here and you are married let me

see your hands

wonderful absolutely wonderful

if you’re here and you are single raise

your hand

[Applause]

hallelujah if you are here and you’re in

a situation don’t you don’t have to you

don’t have to you don’t have to just

keep looking straight ahead just like I

didn’t even move you just just well I

think that mark chapter 10 and verse 9

is a very loaded verse and it’s more

loaded than we know a lot of times we

look at that and there is an assumption

that this is basically saying if you are

married never separate and although I do

believe in going the distance as God is

prescribed and ordained there is a

qualifier in that verse it says

therefore what God

has joined together let not man separate

so what we want to do you want say hot

everybody honey hey what we want to do

today is we want to deal with five

must-haves before saying I do five

must-haves before saying I do because I

think that first part what God has

joined together is very important

because you have some relationships that

do not work and when you do an autopsy

on the death of that relationship and

sometimes you do an autopsy on the death

of that marriage

sometimes in some cases what you will

discover in your autopsy is that it was

really a relationship that God did not

join together sometimes it was a

relationship that brokenness joined

together control join together

manipulation joined together and so we

are very very adamant about having

certain things in place before you say I

do and if you don’t have those things in

place we strongly encourage you to hold

up to slow down in fact in wholeness

there’s a chapter in the book called two

halves don’t make a hole where these

five must haves before saying I do are

talked about in great detail but we

don’t want to leave it there because we

realize that from what we saw about half

of the room have already said I do and

so we’ve got something for you we also

have today five must-haves after saying

I do it net cool so we want to get into

them so we’re gonna talk to the people

who are let me see those hands again

with single people slash in a situation

singing all right okay we’re going to

talk to you first

and we’re going to give you the five

must-haves before saying I do I’m just

curious how many people are in gay

if you’re here and you’re in between

single America engaged let me see your

hands

wow this is good this is good this is

good I think for both married people and

engage people I think that you ought to

work this process be brave enough see

sometimes you don’t want to be brave you

you sometimes what is honey

well you’re afraid that if you put your

relationship under the microscope that

it won’t pass the test

hmm so you choose to just kind of keep

it surface but I think the strength of

our relationships the roots of our

relationship must be tested and

qualified because life is coming to

qualify that connection children will

qualify that connection cancer will

qualify that connection job loss will

challenge that connection so as much as

we can put our relationships under the

microscope and say what is this really I

know we like the same movies but what is

this really I think the better off we

are at withstanding the vicissitudes of

life absolutely no but it’s true

relationships will make you or break you

who you decide to spend the rest of your

life with is a huge decision are you

tracking with me it’s not like I feel

this and so let me do it it’s not like

that it’s a big deal you are signing up

for this thing called forever and so you

can’t be intimidated I don’t know about

you but sometimes I just like to bring

decisions and just drag them to the

altar so that the light of God and the

fire of God can fall down on that

relationship or any decisions that it

might be and purify that thing that’s

what the altar did the altar didn’t

consume everything the altar consumed

everything that was unprofitable so that

that which was profitable can remain and

so so I’m gonna challenge you you

lovebirds who are engaged first and

those of you who are single but have a

disease

to be married that you qualify the

relationship that you’re in or the

relationship that you’re pursuing with

these five qualifiers yeah yes

all right let’s jump into okay you want

me start you gonna start okay the first

thing that you have to have and this is

pretty basic is this thing called

chemistry right God is bringing two

people together there will be an element

of chemistry what is chemistry chemistry

is when something you feel like

something beyond you is happening

between you you tracking with me it’s

it’s something I I there’s something

going on there I can’t quite figure it

out

but I am greatly intrigued by this right

is that like flirting well

flirting is a whole nother thing you

know the the reason why chemistry is the

first thing and not the whole thing is

that you could have chemistry with a

hundred and seventy five different

people in one day you could have

chemistry based on physical attraction

you can have chemistry based on mutual

interests you could have chemistry based

on things that that stimulate you

intellectually you share in that

so chemistry is is the first step but

chemistry has to be qualified can we

keep it 100 in here today I know we’re

at church but the reason why one of the

reason why we’re sitting down and we’re

wearing jeans with holes in them is

because we’re gonna keep it 175 percent

in here today now you can have chemistry

with more than one person hello somebody

chemistry is tricky and you have to

watch it and you have to guard it and

you have to be careful especially let me

just cross over into the marriage

especially when you’re married be

careful for chem it for chemistry

sometimes you know you can feel those

something you gotta leave that thing

alone right there because there’s some

stuff there and you don’t know it could

be some spiritual thing trying to take

your marriage down are you tracking with

me let’s see the chemistry could be

witchcraft how deep can we go today I

want account account

it could be wint trip because if God did

bring you together then there’s gonna be

an assault against it and sometimes what

God uses is chemistry you know you you

you’re at you’re at work and you’re at

the watercooler okay you’re at the

wallet cooler and and and you know and

and someone you you walk up at the same

time and and someone drops the person is

next she drops their pin on the ground

and and the two of you go down at the

same time to pick up the pin bump heads

and then look at each other in the eyes

I don’t mean anything so you have to be

careful with chemistry and chemistry has

to be qualified and chemistry brings us

to the next thing and that is connection

what do you think about connection honey

well I think that when you cover it in

the book that you really go into great

detail discussing beyond chemistry which

as pastor had already defined as just

having that moment connection is when

you have this this like a draw draw

between one I have connection with you

we do have agree that was one of the

things that made me really begin to

investigate further what could happen

between you and I because there was this

connection that seemed deeper than just

you know I think that we had laughed

together like I think we could do life

together I like the way life looks

through his eyes I like Who I am when I

am in his presence I like Who I am

becoming as a result of us being

connected and I think that one of the

things that I’m always conscious of

telling people about when we speak about

relationships in marriage is that who

you are connected to is very important

because there’s a transference and

sometimes we are connected to people who

we would not necessarily want to become

but because we think we can grow them up

we allow ourselves to be connected to

what ultimately becomes poison and then

we wonder what’s happened to our own

souls and perspectives so true

I remember the first time I felt

connection to Sarah this is after we met

the first time that we met and again

it’s here and I did a video called five

keys to identifying your soulmate as

like 3.1 million views on YouTube I’d

encourage you to watch that too but the

book gets more into detail but chemistry

a chemistry we met for the first time

but not connection it was just an

acknowledgment that Wow you know she’s

super special and I feel you know

somewhat you know there’s something

there but it wasn’t romantic at all

the first time I felt connection however

was we were at a conference news pastors

and leaders conference in 2014 and we

were sitting next to each other in this

conference and and Bishop Jake’s was

officiating and it was time to close out

the conference and he had he had

everyone grabbed a hand that the person

who’s next to them and and Sarah just so

happened to be the person who I was

sitting next to and the craziest thing

happens I reach over to take her hand

and when I took her hand our hands fit

perfectly and it was like I was not

holding the hand of a stranger it was

like I was holding a hand of somebody

that I knew someone who had always been

a part of my life it was crazy and I

think for me that was the first time I

really really felt like wow connected to

her and then you know obviously we you

know a few weeks later we had dinner in

LA and and then upon we shut the

restaurant down and then upon leaving

dinner I left and I knew that that there

was honestly that she was supposed to be

a part of my life for the rest of my

life

so you got to have connection and the

third one is wholeness and what I love

about this verse babe that you pick

therefore what God has joined together I

know we use that as it relates to two

people coming together but I think

wholeness is when God joins you together

as an individual and you become whole so

when we talk about the need to have

wholeness and we go back to the

scripture says therefore what God has

joined together let not man separate if

you are with another whole individual

you don’t have to worry about them

separating what God is beginning to join

together on the inside of you and so

it’s important that you have a sense of

wholeness and that they have a sense of

wholeness what does that mean that means

that I’m not trying to recover from my

last relationship while building my new

relationship at the same time

what does wholeness means it means that

I’ve come to a place where I accepted

that my father wasn’t the best father

but I still became a whole individual as

a result of it where you have assessed

your life in your relationship with God

in such a way that you know who you are

and you don’t offer discounts and you

maintain who you are regardless of

whether you’re single or in a

relationship incredible and the reason

why wholeness comes out the connection

is because that connection has to be

qualified I mean it seems like I mean

that’s that’s the happy story right

while I held her hand and it was like

magic our hands fit perfectly together

and it just seemed like we had been in

one another’s lives for all of our lives

and from that moment forward we were

destined to be together and all that’s

wonderful in a knot and in our case in

that instance it was true what that

connection needed to be qualified

because there’s this thing called

codependency and codependency does a

stellar job masquerading as love oh I

mean a wonderful job so my connection

has to be qualified

what is connecting me to you what is it

really

is it the Lord or is it the fact to your

point Sara

that I didn’t get enough hugs from my

dad or my dad didn’t give me affirmation

and so so what is on my mama well

however it might be and so is what is

drawing me to you godly and healthy or

is my brokenness making this thing look

like love and so you have to have

homeless and I think that one of the key

signs for wholeness pre-marriage is

having this testimony that you can say

this from the bottom of your heart

meaning I’m good all by myself

if I never meet my partner my soulmate

my spouse I am me and you Jesus are good

enough you have joined me together

you’ve mended my broken pieces

I am affirmed by you I’m loved by you

I understand who I am I Know Who I am in

Christ if Romeo does not come through if

Juliet is delayed I am good all by

myself

me and you were worship me and you will

take walks together I will date me I

will go to the movies all by myself I

will have Netflix and chill with me and

be good with it because I am NOT needy

and I honestly believe that until you

can really say that and mean it you may

not be ready to say I do and it’s a

wonderful thing

God says love the Lord what he’s asked

what is the greatest commandment and he

says thou shalt love the Lord with all

of your heart with all of your mind with

all of your strength right another

translation says with all of your soul

in other words the most valuable thing

that you can do in life is love God

first with everything that you are

and then he says and when you do that

then the second commandment right this

is sequence the second commandment is

love your neighbor as you love yourself

right so in other words my relationship

with God determines and heals my

relationship with myself and my

relationship with myself becomes the

benchmark by which I have a relationship

with others so I have to get my vertical

relationship right first so that I can

love me right first so that I can be my

own Valentine first and then when I am

my own Valentine my eyes are clear for

me to see where my other Valentine might

be does that make sense

so wholeness is everything what’s the

next one honey the next one is divine

confirmation mmm and that’s when God

endorses your relationship and I will

just give you a story very quickly I was

divorced when Pastor and I met I was a

single mother with my two children in

Texas and we had all of those things we

had chemistry connection I had wholeness

but I was still wondering you know God

is this really you and as a single

mother I was helping my children to just

navigate their relationship with their

biological fathers and my son was

expressing to me in that moment you know

I realized that I may not ever have like

the ice cream dates out at the park and

literally in that moment as he was

saying that I looked down at my phone

and my husband sent me a picture of him

out with his son with ice cream they had

the ice cream cones in their hand and I

just knew that that was God already

going ahead of me saying that I’ve made

a provision to fix the holes that are

being created through you know that

situation that my children were in and

we had countless moments like that where

it was just God saying I’ve already

covered that part I’m already got you

covered there and I think that that was

one of my many divine confirmations

there were a lot of them made I mean and

that takes us back to mark 10 and nine

it says therefore what

God has joined together what God has

caused to be one it says what God is you

can’t play with that you can’t play with

that because if God doesn’t do it there

is a possibility that it won’t work and

you’re gonna be torn because you joined

yourself together you know I’ve got that

that teaching on sexual wholeness if you

haven’t watched that I encourage you to

go to youtube and watch that message but

but sexual wholeness deals with soul

ties and there’s nothing wrong with the

soul tie

being connected having your soul

connected to someone if it’s the person

that God has ordained for you if it

isn’t then we you and I have have the

power to join ourselves watch this

illegally illegally what I mean by

illegally it’s simple the one that God

didn’t join you the one that God didn’t

anoint for you to be joined with you can

join yourself illegally and now when the

separation comes you’re torn you’re torn

and you’re broken and you have to be

whole again

because you didn’t seek God so so when

we say divine confirmation we mean that

when God is bringing two people together

heaven will back up heaven will endorse

the fact that this is what God is doing

and I don’t know about you but I’m at a

point in my life that I don’t want

anything brought into my life that God

didn’t bring you know I like those old

gangster movies back in a day when when

someone would come in and try to kill

you know and you know would try to kill

somebody you know and they would get the

person and they would say who sent you

you remember that the old gangster movie

not yeah they don’t watch gangster movie

oh yeah that’s right TV in for you I got

that’s wonderful I love TV in but I like

gangster movie sometimes too and there’s

some of the moments and you know and

they finally catch the guy that’s trying

to kill them and he’s smacking him

around saying who sent you

I’ll never tell who sent you you know

for me

it’s the same thing you know anything

that comes into my life I want to know

who the sender was was this God or did

my brokenness attract you to me and so

divine confirmation now divine

confirmation you look tricky because

sometimes you can want something so bad

that you will make up some confirmation

if I see two birds today that will be a

sign to me that God wants the two of us

to be together

no I’m not talking about stuff that that

you want so bad that you create a divine

confirmation right I want it to be where

you let the relationship go who offer

like preaching I feel like let me just

for just one second one second was it I

want it to be where you and you may not

necessarily have to tell the other party

that you are letting them go but in your

heart while you are waiting for divine

confirmation that you pause and you stop

and you say God I am giving you my heart

back I know I love this person right I

love them but you know what I’m loving

you more and I’m gonna give you my heart

so that I can be in this neutral place

and not allow my feelings for the person

that I’m seeking confirmation about to

get in the way and hinder my ability to

hear what you are saying and when you’re

in that neutral place whole and complete

and God all by yourself then you will be

in a position to hear clearly and get

that divine confirmation that God has no

problem bestowing upon you

so number five is a sense of purpose and

I think that when you and I got together

one of the things that really draw us

together was that we just had the same

heart for God in this generation we were

both walking in our purpose so we knew

what it would take for us to have a

partner that understood our purpose and

what God had called us to do on the

earth sometimes you get in relationships

and you discover your purpose while

you’re in the relationship and the

person has to begin to try to form their

life around your purpose because what

God has called you to do is more

important than who you’re in

relationship with Satan playing faster

we are here on earth to serve a purpose

to be a light to make a change in this

world we’re not in I know it’s on ABC I

know Disney has sold us on this fairy

tale that we’re supposed to be here to

find our boo when we find our boo and

live happily ever after when God put us

in this earth you said that there’s

something that they can do that no one

else can do but them and it’s not just

to be in a relationship I need them to

change the world for the better I need

them to raise a child that changes the

world I need them to erect a church I

need them to serve in a ministry that

makes the ministry grow and become

better they have ideas and purpose and

intentionality and so when you begin to

tap into your purpose you have to

recognize that whoever I’m called to has

to understand that first I’m called

whoever’s called to me has to understand

that I’m called and so a pastor and I

were certainly walking in our purpose

but I also think that as we came

together that we recognized that our

union was God’s purpose as well

absolutely that’s that’s so key I think

that if you don’t at least have an

inkling of what you’re called to be and

to do in the earth you’re not ready for

marriage

you’re really not because first of all

it’s not fair because you to a certain

degree are selling your partner a lie

you’re selling your partner a lot there

buy into cookies and and and

chocolate-covered strawberries and there

buying into you know you guys hanging

out all the time and you’re in love and

you’re dating and all these sort of

things they’re buying into the fact that

they’re going to have you when the

reality of it is when purpose gets ahold

of you purpose has you and now it’s not

fair to that person because you’ve sold

him on this love story without

discovering your purpose and what can

happen and this is would be tragic in

either way this goes but but what

happens if one day you wake up and you

discover your purpose and you realize

that the person that you have signed up

with is actually a hindrance to the

thing that God has called you to do what

do you do then so by by any means

necessary you know well I’ll tell you

what you’re gonna do here the two

options either you can sacrifice the

purpose for the relationship or have to

go to the difficult process if that

relationship is not redeemable of

sacrificing the relationship for purpose

and neither are fun and that’s why you

must it is imperative I’m not saying you

got to have your life figured out I’m

not saying that at all but have a

general sense of what God is doing in

and through your life right a sense of

purpose so these are you know and there

could be fifty there could be a hundred

there could be two hundred and five but

these are the five must-haves before

saying I do that we place in the book

and that we’re talking about I do have a

couple of caveats that I want to say one

is obviously you know this is not the

end all be all but it is a great start

right I want to say that to those who

are engaged of those who are single

those who are engaged I encourage you to

have a vision for your marriage we have

all those and we don’t get a chance to

do premarital counseling with many

people maybe two or three couples a year

but one of the things that is a

requirement for us

from them is that they write out a

vision for your marriage right because

you’d be surprised how many perspectives

on marriage there are out there and

you’re coming in with one perspective

which means that you’re coming in with

this particular expectation and so is

that other person and what happens you

have to have that conversation first

because the last thing you want to do is

be in the marriage and you’re saying oh

I thought it was supposed to be this or

I thought it was about that so I have a

vision for your marriage here’s another

thing I’ll say and I’ll say this to

people who are married and as you are

hearing this you’re saying man we you

know we missed some of these things I

don’t want you to be questioning your

marriage not necessarily I don’t want

you to be like oh baby we didn’t have

that and we didn’t have this here is my

outs

the devil is a lie we’re not doing that

because one of the things that we

understand about God is that God is a

restorer and God is a redeemer and

sometimes man plans his way but God

establishes his goings are you tracking

with me so so I want you to understand

that there are many cases where you

didn’t have that but God causes all

things to work together for good hello

somebody it is true they got caught all

things to work together for good in

spite of this so I just want to throw

that caveat out there so you won’t be

taking a sound bite of this and and

being divorced court right hello

somebody and but I also want to affirm

those who who have been through a

divorce who might be walking around with

guilt and shame and condemnation

some psycho religious person told you

that because you are remarried again you

know you’re going to hell stop it let me

just say it publicly stop taking the

scripture out of context hello somebody

there are more reasons than adultery for

people to get divorced right even in

mark 10 I’m on my soapbox but even in

mark 10 it talks about how there is no

one Peter was struggling about all the

things that he would have to give up in

order to satisfy his kingdom assignment

and guess what when Jesus told him that

there will be certain things that he may

have to give up for the kingdom saying

but it would be multiplication not lost

guess what one of the things had to do

with wife and so what I’m saying is

a lot of people who are so blinded to

the fact that the commander and the

command did are more important than the

Commandant for like preaching and you

take things so you become legalistic by

taking things so literally I’ll put it

to you this way if adultery was the only

reason for divorce do you mean to tell

me if somebody is beating you upside the

head with a hammer that God would say no

stay in it as long as he doesn’t cheat

on you he can be beating the crap out of

you but as sometimes you got to think

you got to think somebody’s verbally

abusing you

somebody’s treating you somebody’s

speaking against your purpose in your

destiny so there are other things so

that to that person who had gone through

a divorce maybe you went through a

divorce because God didn’t join you guys

together in the first place and I want

you to be healed and whole and redeemed

and set free from that guilt shame and

condemnation because it’s not from

heaven are you tracking with me I’m not

excusing anything nor my condoning

religiosity that keeps people in Chains

we good all right let’s move on to the

five must-haves before saying I do the

first one I love regularly rehearse

magic moments regularly rehearse magic

moments okay so what are magic moments

magic moments are these memorable

experiences that you’ve had together

magic moments can be moments of

confirmation where were God confirmed

that the two of you were supposed to be

together

he could have done some sort of sign in

the sky

some sort of experience you have to not

only keep record of those magic moments

but you have to rehearse them because

guess what you don’t always have magic

moments sometimes you will have somebody

said miserable moments I I wouldn’t go

that far but sometimes that might be

true you see how I’m keeping my voice

right here hello like that let’s say

sometimes you’ll have moments that are

less than magical and and and and often

times what we do the second part of that

was to learn to to magnify each other’s

strengths and trivialize each other’s

weaknesses you know one of the things

that can happen in marriage is you can

have an incredible spouse an incredible

partner I mean they are awesome in 95%

of what they bring to the marriage what

they bring to the relationship but it’s

that 5% that that that that one thing or

maybe it’s two things and they are so

irritating and don’t you just keep

looking straight ahead don’t nudge your

partner don’t nudge it just right here

we’re not don’t we are not offering

counseling after service okay but it’s

it’s it’s that one it’s those one or two

things that drive you absolutely crazy

and if we’re not careful we will focus

on those things and magnify those things

so big that in your mind in your

perspective they dwarf that which is

really dwarfing those things and so five

times rehearse listen a good story about

your marriage a good memory a good

recounting of a memorable experience is

never overplayed it’s never outdated

your relationship need

you remember when and then if you got to

do it again a day later because you’re

struggling because you’re magnifying

that one or two things that the person

is doing you’ve got to do it again you

remember baby we just talked about it I

know but I need it right so regularly

rehearse magic moments

wait think about that I think the beauty

of technology and taking pictures a lot

is that you can literally go back

through and remember how you felt when

you were on that road trip or when you

had that special dinner and it has

really helped me I mean there are very

few small like point zero nine percent

things that I would consider a weakness

of yours point zero nine percent over

the overall picture I got to go home

with him so I need to make sure don’t

nobody get it but him point zero nine

percent and when the enemy went there to

enlarge that point zero nine percent one

days that I am tired or hungry I am

reminded of of memories I always tell

people that when Pastor and I went on

our first date that he looked at me like

I had wings that only he could see and

he does still look at me like that

sometimes even when my hair is tied up

and I got stuff on my face and so just

reminding myself in those moments where

I could dare to be irritated that

there’s magic in the mix of life

absolutely

regularly rehearse magic moments they

are a gift for your future what’s number

two baby so number two is one that I

came up with and it says be more mate

aware than me aware so that again better

be more mate aware than me aware when

life starts doing that thing that life

does and you start counting the COS than

the weight of what it takes for you to

be you I took the kids to school I went

and worked on a major mom dinner I went

to work ahead twelve phone calls and I

went and picked the kids up and went

back to the grocery store because I

forgot something I came home I cooked

dinner I did so-and-so here and

you had the nerve to come in the kitchen

and ask me when dinner was going to be

ready you know the in that moment it can

feel like me me me me me and I’ve been

challenged by you know challenge within

myself to take a minute and to just take

inventory of his day and where he was

when he came in maybe he had meeting

after meeting after meeting and didn’t

have dinner and he wasn’t like acting

like this taskmaster asking me about

dinner and said he was just asking a

simple question but because I brought my

own weight of the day into that moment

we struggled and I think another thing

when we’re being more made aware than me

aware is to also consider what love and

family look like for him growing up

because there are moments where there is

a disagreement and you just don’t

understand why he’s not getting what

you’re saying but you have to recognize

that he’s bringing all of his

experiences and all of his perspectives

about life into a statement when he says

I don’t need you to cook dinner I need

you to give me a hug and you’re thinking

well I did all of this and how come you

didn’t recognize it you have to

recognize that what matters to you may

not matter to him and so dare to look at

life look look at life and look at you

through his perspective and just for my

wives I have a book that I think would

be very helpful for you to read besides

wholeness what you need to read amen but

it’s a book called what’s it like to be

married to me and it will really change

your life in a way that I don’t know if

you’re ready for but you get a journal

book and you go through this book and it

gives you great perspective so true

there’s a passage in one of the epistles

of Peter and it talks about marriage and

it it’s in reference to husband and

wives but I believe it works in the

other direction but it says husbands

dwell with your wives according to

knowledge that’s heavy live with your

wives not just randomly but according to

knowledge and I believe that that to

Sara’s point we do have to be aware I

think that God will give us insight

about our spouse I really do if we’re if

we’re interested if we’re curious Holy

Spirit

reveal to me what’s happening on the

inside of my wife or my husband right

let me just lord help me to remove

myself out of the equation for a second

and help me God help me too to see them

I believe it’s same thing with parents

right you’re praying for your children

the Holy Spirit revealed to me what’s

happening inside my child said I can

minister to my child it’s the same thing

because I believe as we get ready to

move on to the next point I believe that

the best marriages the best

relationships is when you have two

people doing everything in their power

to make the other person happy are you

tracking with me a lot of times when we

tell you we polled people we asked him

about marriage and you know and what do

you know what do you want you know what

do you want in marriage and they’ll say

oh you know I want a man who loves me

and and he validates me and he he sees

me and he gets me and he’s you know he’s

6 2 or 3 or 5 and you know he’s got

seven figures eight figures or whatever

you know and then you ask the husband

you know I just want somebody that knows

how to cook you know the meaning and can

be you know a lady in the streets and

and

and something else at home you know and

and oftentimes it is soda I’m suffering

and oftentimes I’ll tell you what you

rarely hear you rarely hear someone

saying you know what you know what do I

want out of marriage you know I just

want to be I want to find someone who I

can just be the best husband to that I

can just provide for that I can just

create an environment for them the

floors and you know you rarely hear that

you always hear about what they want and

so I think this is important because

again the best marriage the best

relationship is two people doing

everything in their power to make the

other person happy

[Applause]

number three is competing generosity

which I think really speaks more to what

we just talked about you know and so so

instead of competing in the marriage or

complaining in a marriage how about we

could be how about we outdo each other

you know my wife you know I wasn’t a

really good gift giver

I really wasn’t the be honest we got

throw some money at you you know or yeah

I just I just didn’t know how to be and

my wife gives the most thoughtful gifts

in the world so it up my game a little

bit right and so now I’m not thinking

months you know in advance I’m I’m

thinking and so so compete in generosity

how can I be even more generous with my

spouse than I was last year and one of

the things that I think allows us to

compete in generosity is constantly

asking one another question how can I

serve you how can I serve you so

competing and generosity for us isn’t

like who gets the most expensive gift

but like I got him a newspaper that came

out the year that he was born that was

very special to him in his well to his

parents at the time and just was the

environment and when she was born and I

know that that meant a lot to him so I

wanted him to have a piece of his

history it’s not always the most

extravagant gifts but it’s the thing

that says I see you I understand where

you come from I understand where you’re

headed and

is my way of saying I got you I’m with

you and I’m supporting you and there are

pockets throughout our whole entire day

where we get to compete in generosity

sometimes as wives as simple as just

sending your husband a message like

thank you for taking the trash out like

I know that’s a part of their

responsibility and it’s a our way of

helping keep the house maintained but

the reality is is the man who took the

trash out and never came home so I thank

you for taking the trash out and coming

back inside and sitting down at the

dinner table I’m glad that you came home

it’s somebody’s man who didn’t come home

and I thank you that you saw past my

flaws and insecurities and last night’s

argument and still came home and still

honored me as your wife I know that this

is your role and this is what you’re

supposed to do but what I’m saying is

that I see you stepping up to the plate

in a way that a lot of men have failed

to do where some men have failed to do

them what I’m saying is I see you I

honor you and I think you have a

gratitude for who you are in my life

awesome now we’ve got two more but

before we do the two more I just believe

that that we have a guru in our family

that has 35 or 34 years 35 years of

marriage that I want us to hear from

really quickly so let’s hear from our

Bishop TD jakes

there are a couple of things that I have

learned over the 35 years that I have

been married to Serita Jake’s I have

learned that so many times as men we

think more love than we say and people

can’t live off of what you think about

them they can only live off of what you

say about them I learned that if you

have love for them be sure you give it

to them and the only way they can get it

is if you have the courage to verbalize

it and we as men have a tendency to be

nonverbal and they’ll be disappointed

because people didn’t catch how we felt

I learned to break through my

intimidation and become more verbal

because I found out that my attention

and my affection is literally the air

she breathes and when I don’t give that

attention and affection is officiate her

if you don’t want to smother the person

you love through the absence of some

that you have but wouldn’t release give

it to them the second thing I want to

share with you that I believe is also

very very valuable is if a woman process

is about talking that’s how they process

most men tend to process internally and

they come out with the conclusion I

learned that when she is processing I

don’t need to contribute I just need to

listen because there is something you

give a woman by listening it gives her

it validates her thoughts and it gives

her the very important thing of feeling

not only women everybody needs us that I

have been heard I have been heard so

it’s not always about talking it’s also

about listening keep that in mind

number four make up quick the Bible says

for us not to let the Sun go down on our

wrath you know in in that passage mark

10 and 9 which says therefore what God

has joined together let not man separate

that’s an interesting word that was

translated let not man separate you’ve

probably heard it say let not man put

asunder but it’s a Greek word and it

literally means to place room between

the police room between so what God has

joined together but God has forged and

formed together with God has caused to

be one let not man now let not man put

room between now he’s not talking about

simply man that’s outside of the

relationship he’s talking about you and

I can’t think of what puts more room in

space which creates opportunity for the

enemy to come in and do things than

failing to commit to making up quick

what does that look like I don’t you

know if you got to talk it out all night

if you watch this if you have to

surrender your right to be right in

order to bring harmony

in order to bring peace do it do it by

any means necessary makeup are you

tracking with me cuz sometimes you’re

fighting over something that’s not even

worth it

I wanted more mayonnaise on my sandwich

you know that I wanted mayonnaise you

know I like the mayonnaise to come all

the way to the edge of the bread you

know that we have been married for 72

years you should know that some things

are not worth it and one of the things

that I’ve learned that sometimes in

order to keep the peace you have to just

die two things are you tracking with me

some things watch this you don’t like

this some things are just not gonna

change they just not gonna change you

might want to check don’t clap too hard

don’t think you’re we’re gonna have to

have a counseling session right after

the service right know some things right

and I’m not talking about major things

right I’m not talking my things like

abuse like verbal abuse like like

certain things I’m not talking about

that I’m just talking about little

things that are more like preferences

right sometimes you gotta just do

workarounds but by any means necessary

make up quick sometimes I prize say well

no I’m not I’m not giving in on this one

I’m not doing that I’m not giving in as

if you are hurting them to hurt your

spouse is to hurt you

you guys won remember we’re on the same

team so be quick to make them don’t let

the Sun go down on your wrath don’t go

to sleep angry first of all it does not

make for good sleep what was the last

time you went to sleep man and slept

like a baby

no you tossed and you turn and the

beautiful thing about making up before

you go to sleep is that you get to have

fun doing it hallelujah you get that on

the 25 on your way home god bless you

and last but not least

haha somebody just caught it you know

what baby I’m sorry I do I was a little

mean this morning let’s go home when you

pray that there will be transparency and

authenticity in church this is which

again no but he certainly lives by this

my parents have never argued in front of

me they both grew up in physically

abusive homes and so one of the things

that they vowed to do was never to argue

or to have any kind of disputes in front

of their children which is great it’s

just that I don’t know how to process

when I had high emotions you know and so

I thought to myself I will just be quiet

and internalize so the idea of making up

quickly for me just meant just don’t say

anything at all and you know let it go

and so I would obviously be walking

around with an attitude but I wouldn’t

say what was wrong with me

you know like slamming has played down

here’s your dinner you know or leaving

it in the pot and not making this plate

at all like this over there and and so

he had to really help me to make up

quickly but I just remember earlier on

in our marriage one of the times that I

really understood how important this was

to him we had just had the baby and I

wasn’t sleeping very much and I you know

he usually doesn’t sleep very much at

night ever like but when the baby came

God just blessed him with the spirit of

sleep that was so powerful and anointed

and so he would be waking up stretching

and like I’m about to go to the gym and

I’ve been up on this Ida attitude okay

my petty game was on 100 and so um I

think it was a Saturday night and I

finally just had this huge breakdown and

he literally called him a guest speaker

for that next Sunday and he told we I

think we did a video to the congregation

he’s like I’m staying home and we’re

going to have a family day because he’s

like I’m not gonna go and grab a

microphone and preach and do three

services like everything is okay at home

when it’s not so whatever it takes for

us to make up we’re gonna do absolutely

marriage is everything and lastly

remember marriage is stewardship its

stewardship God has entrusted you with

somebody he loves he has created a

scenario where you have close proximity

to someone’s entire life

to their most intimate things its

stewardship what God has joined together

he did it for a reason and so I have

stewardship over my wife I’ve got it as

a husband I’ve got to make sure she’s

good I’ve got to be unto her as Christ

is to me I’ve got to create an

environment where she soars where she

excels it’s a huge responsibility I

think that if we saw this going in we

might be a little slower to rush into

marriage right and not do it you know

unadvisedly we do it so girly and so

remember that God’s entrusted you with a

life he’s interested you with the heart

and God loves you yes he does but he

also loves your spouse and so so you

have to see it that way okay I’m in her

life I’m in his life for a reason and

ultimately I’m in her life

I’m in his life to bless them yeah I

think constantly reminding yourself I

may be the only glimpse of God that he

sees today so how can I be more

forgiving how can I be more patient how

can I be more sensitive how can I be

more honest and transparent is something

that has really helped me as I continue

to just thank God each and every day

that I get to be your wife I love you

it’s an honor to be your husband

alright it was this helpful but we are

we are about done there was one there

was a testimony that came through the

launch team and there was a couple on

the brink of divorce and they were on

the brink of divorce because of

brokenness and they decided that they

were going to they read the first three

chapters they won the launch team and

they read the first three chapters and

they realized that they weren’t in a

position to get a divorce because they

were seeing everything four broken

lenses and literally this turn their

relationship around and now they are

reading this together seeking wholeness

even in their marriage yes I encourage

couples to read it together

you never know what if the reason why

there is struggle in certain areas is

because of some degree of brokenness

that has gone undetected I encourage you

to read it single people chapter seven

is for you the whole book is for you but

single people particularly those who

might be engaged and you’re preparing to

get married

read it check it out it doesn’t mean

that this book is gonna tell you not to

get married but it might tell you to

slow down and get some things in order

so that you can have the marriage that

God wants you to have and so I want to

encourage you what I’d like to do is

pray for marriages and I can do it while

you’re where you are but if you’re so

inclined I want to pray actually I want

to pray for a lot of people first group

I want to pray for our divorce people if

you’re here and your divorce and you

have been struggling with shame you

don’t feel like God will ever bring love

into your life again and you’ve been

wrestling with self-doubt you’ve even

been wrestling with this notion that oh

my god this was this great evil this was

the unpardonable sin and you’ve been

carrying guilt and shame I want you to

come down and meet me here at this altar

the second group I want to come down is

if you’re here and you’re in a

relationship and you don’t know if the

relationship is God or not but you want

to give God your heart you want to love

him with all your heart mind soul and

strength so that he can either confirm

or not confirm the relationship that

you’re in you heard something it was

very clear that that was speaking to you

throughout this time and before you go

in too far before you take another step

further you want to give God your heart

you want God to be your first Valentine

and your ownself to be your second

Valentine if that’s you I would like for

you to come and if you’re here and

you’re married and you just want us to

pray over your marriage it’s not an

indictment on how awesome your marriage

is or how much difficulty you have in it

but you just what there’s a blessing in

this house for marriages and I said it

before one of the first things that I

said when Pastor Sarah and I took over

this church is that this church is going

to be known for healthy marriages and

Families in Jesus name we are going to

be known for it so if that’s you and you

just want prayer for your marriage I

want you to come forward right now and

if you’re here and you’re single

and you want to be okay with it you want

to come to a place where you say God if

you bring the right one for me fine if

me and you are gonna do purpose and

destiny all by ourselves for this season

fine

I want to be cool with it if that’s you

I want you to come as well I want you to

come forward Harlan if you’re watching

via live stream we’re praying for you as

well you are very much a part of this I

think we should both pray on started

then you can finish it and you can just

come while we’re talking come why

praying father love is an incredible

thing it is an incredible gift that

you’ve given to your children it’s so

powerful that your word says that by the

love that we have for each other then

people will know that the father sent

Jesus to the earth Lord you said I am

love yet in the midst of that truth you

did not promote love between two people

over love between yourself and

individuals in fact before Adam even

fell in love with Eve he was already in

love with you you set that sequence on

purpose because you want us to

understand that the greatest

relationship that any of us will ever

have in life the greatest love affair is

the love affair between you

and ourselves and it is satisfying it is

fulfilling it is completing people don’t

complete people you complete us and when

to complete people get together they

have a complete marriage father there

may be some amongst us who have gone

through divorce and as a result of that

they have been torn in such a way but

then that they do not believe that not

only can they recover but that you will

do even greater things and father I pray

that you would uproot that lie right now

you are a God of healing and restoration

and I pray God that self forgiveness

would flow right now that there would be

no regrets that there would be no guilt

and there would be no shame that they

would know in spite of perhaps even

mistakes that they made maybe the

greatest mistake was entering into it

without seeking you in spite of that you

love them you care for them and you’ve

got a plan for them may that guilt and

that shame die here at the altar of

grace hallelujah that regret would lift

and that a true sense of optimism and

expectation for all that you have in

front of them would be realized father

let joy return to us that we may

remember the promises that you have for

our life for our marriages for our

children and for our hearts may we

constantly walk in the knowledge and the

confidence that you created all things

to work together for our good and that

even the things that cause us the most

harm the things that made us become

disappointed or bitter that you know how

to take those things in to reveal so as

not only a new version of who you are

but love like no other we receive those

promises we lay hold of them and we

rebuke every lie every plot and plan and

thought of the enemy that ever made us

think that we were less than and we

declare and decree over these your sons

and daughters that they are loved they

are accepted

they are affirmed and therefore they can

walk with their head held high and their

heart full of joy in Jesus name and then

father I pray for every marriage every

marriage in this house you said would

you have joined together what you have

cause to no longer be two but one you

said may there be no room no space

between them father there some here and

and because of whatever may be something

that happened years ago that has been a

wedge in between their relationship

causing room and space and cracked ins

and brokenness unforgiveness that would

allow the enemy to always have a

straight shot and place in their

marriage I pray today that that door

would be closed that love and grace and

forgiveness got restoration God recall

to their remembrance those magic moments

those moments of confirmation those

moments of love the moments that are the

reason they got married in the first

place

restore that back to your sons and

daughters and then God for those who are

here or single

we pray God that they would see single

differently that single would not be

alone or by myself or some sort of

disadvantage but that they would see

their singleness as wholeness and that

they were pursue wholeness in their

singleness that singleness would mean

unbroken that singleness would mean I

have an opportunity to love me well and

to love me right and to love me fully

and to love me entirely and to love me

so wonderfully that any other love

that’s added will be just that an

addition and not that which makes me

complete father there’s some here who

are in relationships and for the sake of

seeking confirmation are laying those

relationships right down here at the

altar saying God my relationship with

you is the most important thing give

them that grace to do so resist and

fight every area of brokenness that

would attempt to wrestle with them about

making that decision

and give them the grace even that

Abraham had in the moment where he had

to lay his son down for the sake of

truth and God I thank you that as they

do that you’re going to honor them bless

them restore them and increase them in

ways that transcends anything that they

can ever imagine we seal these words we

seal these prayers we seal these times

this time in the mighty name of Jesus

amen amen god bless you happy

Valentine’s Day to you we love you very

much

may the Lord bless and keep you may he

make his face to shine upon you be

gracious toward you may he lift up his

countenance over you and grant you

Shalom Shalom in Jesus name God bless

you hope

see you a Saturday Wednesday nights

going to be a special a marriage service

you don’t want to miss that and

wholeness is available in the bookstore

god bless you love you