Dr. Tony Evans is the founder and senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, founder and president of The Urban Alternative, chaplain of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, and author of over 100 books, booklets & Bible studies. His radio broadcast, The Alternative with Dr. Tony Evans, can be heard on more than 1,300 US outlets daily and in more than 130 countries.

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I want to talk to you today about loving

your wife Paul makes a statement we

won’t turn there just yet but Paul makes

a statement husbands love your wives as

Christ loved the church that he gave

himself for it

husbands love your wives the word love

today is used in a lot of different ways

and it is used very casually you may say

I love my job why I love chocolate cake

or I love my car and you kind of used it

in movement and in flow because there is

a general sense where we understand the

concept but yet the way it’s used today

is really not the kind of understanding

that God would have us have about the

meaning of love and its relationship

particularly to our wives now it’s a

very critical concept because it is

uniquely given to man

there is no Bible verse that commands a

wife to love her husband

none back to my knowledge there’s only

one reference and that is where it sells

older women to help younger women learn

how to love their husbands but no

command but over and over again the man

is commanded to love his wife now the

way this commanded to do something and

that is respect or reverence her husband

now that is not a mistake that is

recognizing some unique attributes that

belong to men and women that are

different a woman’s greatest needful is

for love a man’s greatest need is for

respect and God recognizes that and has

communicated that in his word in the New

Testament days when they use the term

love they had distinguishing words words

that differentiated the meaning of love

so you

knew what was being met they wouldn’t

just say I love you or I love hotdogs or

I mean they had words that made a

difference we do not use those

distinguishing words today and so we use

the word love to cover everything so let

me go back to the New Testament day and

use the or explain the three concepts of

love that were existed then and those

concepts are brought into the Bible the

first kind of love is in a word that was

called eros eros now eros was sexual

fulfillment or to put it more

bottom-line it was basically lust so

that when a guy said I eros you he meant

I want you sexually that’s the kind of

love that most of our music is made of

today where love is used as a synonym

for lust and love is intricately

connected to wanting physical contact so

when the Greeks wanted to express the

fact that they that they lusted they

would use the word love but the word

love would be a distinct word called

eros that meant I desire you sexually I

want you to meet my physical need now

when you think about it that is a common

use of the word love today a guy in a

parked car may tell a girl I love you

therefore and he makes the direct

relationship between the usage of love

although he doesn’t have a distinct

different word for it and his sexual

desire

so that was one concept the Greeks also

had a second word and that word was

filete Oh filete Oh

now the second greek word was the love

of friends when a man said i filete oh

you he was saying I am your friend

now the uniqueness of this

as opposed to arrows is that it was not

tied to sexual fulfillment but it did

have something that was also true of

arrows and that is it was tied to some

degree of selfishness as in arrows there

was a desire to have one’s physical

needs met in filete oh there was a

response to a person because of how they

treated you and they were your friends

in other words a phileo is someone who’s

like a brother to you he he covers your

back and you cover his back he’s your

buddy you know you can count on him and

you know that he’s going to treat you

right and you’re going to treat him

right so that if you have a phileo

relationship and he doesn’t treat you

right you will say I thought you were my

friend

that’s phileo it was that mutual

friendship that had an understanding

about it that I’m going to treat you

right and you’re going to treat me right

as long as you treat me right i’ma treat

you right if you stop treating me right

then our friendship will be in jeopardy

because I won’t trust you anymore

okay so that was phileo that was a

legitimate term used among friends in

fact Jesus used it with Peter when he

said are you my friend and the Greek

word is phileo are you my friend

now there’s another word this word is

different than the other two because it

expresses God’s love it defines love

from God’s perspective and that word was

agape agape now the reason I’m taking

this time out is because before I can

talk about loving your wife we’ve got to

know what we’re meaning by love because

I’ve tried to establish the love can

mean different things to different

people

agape is unique because unlike arrows

and unlike filet

Oh agape has nothing to do with what the

other person does eros is tied to

meeting my needs sexually phileo is tied

to how you’re treating me as a friend

but this word agape is unlike the other

two because it had to do with taking the

initiative to act on someone else’s

behalf even at your own expense now

follow that agape is different because

it had to do with acting on someone

else’s behalf for the betterment of

another without any necessary demand or

expectation for anything in return now

let me go back to my original scripture

what I quoted Paul says husbands agape

your wives that husbands

eros you’re wise look at them as sexual

objects not husbands fillet o your wives

necessarily defining them as friends

husbands got pay your wives that’s the

Greek term we would use love and perhaps

it would cover all three can’t do that

in New Testament it’s a specific term

when you look at your wife agape there

that is love them in such a way that

your early orientation is to meet their

need listen to this regardless of what

you receive in return now that’s going

to change the whole lot of homes right

there but then because many of the

problems that we have with our wise it’s

tied to the fact that they do not follow

us or could be tied to the fact

that they do not harass us all right

okay I mean it could be either way but

the idea the idea when the Bible says

love has nothing to do with their sexual

response and has nothing necessarily to

do with their friendship response catch

this Romans 5:8

for God demonstrated his agape his love

toward us in that while we were yet what

sinners Christ died God demonstrated

love to us that while we were sinners

now do you know how much God hates sin

you know how much God hates the Bible

says God is angry with the wicked every

day so he looked out and he saw sin he

saw evil thoughts are evil actions are

evil attitudes he saw a rebellion

against him he saw lifestyles he heard

our cussing and fussing he saw all of

that and said I hate what they are doing

but I will demonstrate my love toward

you even though I can’t stand how you

act how your tongue how you walk how you

move I’m still gonna die that is

biblical love and that’s why you can

love people that you don’t necessarily

like because like is for little love is

agape

that’s why Jesus can say I got pay your

enemies now nobody likes their enemies

nobody likes somebody who hates their

guts and is out to destroy them God says

you don’t have to like them he’s just at

the level because love has nothing to do

with what you get in return most of the

world will reject Jesus Christ but that

did not stop him from loving even though

God knew that in advance

now let me look at a couple of verses

very quickly in the book of John first

of all John chapter 14 look at a couple

of verses quickly and look at this

concept John chapter 14 verse 21 he who

has my Commandments and keeps them it is

he who loves me and he who loves me will

be loved by my father and I will love

him and manifest myself to him

and again in verse 24 he who does not

love me does not keep my words and the

words which you hear in here is not mine

but the father who sent me here Jesus

says there is a direct correlation to

biblical love and what you do biblical

love is not discussion love biblical

love is not phraseology that’s been

turned that’s a good rap that sounds

good agape love is always demonstrable

love for God demonstrated his love you

can look at Calvary there’s something to

show biblical love always responds in

action when people say I love God but do

not keeping his Commandments the Bible

says that’s a lie because love is always

measured in action if I were to ask you

wise do you love her or you’d ask my

wife do I love her the question is

measured in terms of Agape by what I do

in other words if you were to say I tell

my wife I love her all the time that is

a meaningless statement

agape because a guy pay is not concerned

about your vocabulary

agape is concerned only and always about

your action agape is physiological and

not just emotional phileo can be

emotional eros is most definitely

emotional agape is demonstrable let’s

look at chapter 15 verse 12 this is my

commandment that you love one another as

I have loved you greater love has no one

than this than to lay down one’s life

for his friends now to lay down one’s

life for somebody has given up a lot I

mean when we talking serious sacrifice

to lay down one’s life is to give all of

you because that’s all you have left if

you give you life great Allah he’s not

about marriage he’s not about the

disciples he’s talking about you and me

in this room he says greater love is no

matter as the man would lay down his

life for his friends that’s the ultimate

expression of love so what I’m trying to

say to you at this point is for you to

understand that when we talk at church

now I don’t know what they gonna tell

you in the street they’re not gonna tell

you this they’re going to tell you angle

hand on one you want to take that off no

one don’t take normally do you know how

many fish in the sea you do not have to

go through this now that’s what they

gonna tell you in the street because

they have a warped definition of manhood

okay

for a lot of men the definition of

manhood is the ability to score in the

Bible or definition of manhood is the

ability to not have to choose to score

because you’ve chosen to be totally

committed to one person for the rest of

your life that takes work it’s easy to

find different women who are vulnerable

the hard work is winning somebody who

can’t stand you

all right that’s the hard work it’s not

a lot of hard work to leave and find

somebody who hasn’t had to live with you

yet all right when that part is easy so

the issue that I’m addressing today is I

got paid kind of love now let’s get one

step closer to pragmatics how do you

love your wife

first of all how do you look at your

wife in order for you to begin the lover

and then the last question is what do

you do to begin to love her well let me

talk first of all about how you begin to

look at her in order that you begin to

love her first Peter chapter 3 verse 7

which is a verse that we have looked at

our numbers of occasions but one that

gives us some deep insight into loving

your wife first Peter chapter 3 verse 7

husband’s likewise now whenever you read

the word likewise in the Bible it means

that he’s building off of something

that’s already been stated and what he’s

building off of is the end of chapter 2

where it says in verse 21 for to this

you were called because Christ also

suffered so some of you are suffering

with your wives all right good

Christ also suffered for us leaving us

an example that we should walk in his

steps so before I go any further I want

to hear you talking about that with

Jesus if I was Jesus I can live with her

too

okay I don’t want you I don’t want you

talking that because he says that you

might walk in what his steps so he’s not

talking about something only applies to

him but it’s an example for you and me

all right

now he says who committed no sin so he

wasn’t guilty nor was deceit found in

his mouth he wasn’t lying he was telling

the truth about us and he had done

nothing wrong but he got the blame that

was what the cross is all about

he took our blame verse 23 they catch

this man because this is the

introduction of husband wife

relationships who when he was reviled

did not revile in return now he could

have said I ain’t gonna have no human

beings talking to me like that I’m not

going to have any human beings treating

me like that don’t they know I can cut

them loose and find me somebody else

don’t they know I don’t have to deal

with this don’t they understand who is

we don’t they understand that they don’t

know my name okay

he could’ve did that but when he was

messed over reviled he did not revile in

return but know what goes around comes

around kind of stuff when he suffered he

did not threaten yeah it treat me like

that again you’ll be picking your face

up off the floor didn’t threaten but

committed himself to him who judges

rightly who at the proper time is always

going to tell the truth who himself bore

our sins that boy who sins he bought

something that he wasn’t responsible for

in his own body on the tree that we

having died to sin might live for

righteousness by whose stripes you were

healed like us that by the stripes he

bore we were healed could it be that the

only way your wife is going to come

around is by the stripes you bear on her

behalf of what watch it now

we are also brothers some brothers

racking back right now don’t talk crazy

preacher

all right catch us now follow me

Jesus bore the stripes but we get the

healing and remember that you might walk

in his steps okay now it’s gone first 25

for you were like sheep going astray but

have now returned to the Shepherd and

overseer of your soul you were going the

wrong direction until he brought stripes

but when he was willing to bear stripes

that’s what turned you around some of

you are only going to win back your

wives when you love them enough to take

some stripes you’re not going to hear

that in the street the street I’m going

to tell you you don’t have to take any

stripes give some don’t take none all

right

but now look now we come to verse 7

husband’s likewise like who like Jesus

remember we’re following his steps just

like Jesus though what does he want you

to do first of all live with your wive’s

in an understanding way or dwell with

them according to knowledge or to put it

more simply study your mate one of the

problems in our relationships is that we

give very little time to the study of

our wise women are very very complicated

to understand

I mean you say something and you want to

know what did I say to bring that kind

of response you know you put your arm

around leave me alone what I didn’t do

anything you will you will never do

nothing let you tell it you want to know

where in the world did that come from

well that’s because we do not study our

wives and all of us are guilty that I’m

guilty of that when we do not understand

why they are the way they are so then we

can’t handle them when they get that way

don’t you should know before your wife

when her menstrual flow time is because

that more than anything else will

determine where her emotions are now

we’ve got this new phenomenon today

which is not new at all called PMS now

if your wife has PMS that a dog you okay

that a dog you because she will go

through these major emotional swing is

not new his way back in the Bible a

woman during a minstrel flora to

separate herself in and all I mean God

new folks are going to get dog during

that period of time I’m just being

honest with you all right now all PMS is

is the intensification of the emotional

swings due to the progesterone and the

hormonal changes that are related to

that and the more of those changes that

take place and the loss of the

pedestrian will cause a greater

emotional swings and so you know they

got a big business going today but they

really don’t offer a solution other than

change your diet try to cut back on the

changes but what you really have to do

is get your family to help you through

it

well now we could turn to the Bible for

that when he says

husbands wrong with you wise an

understanding way he is saying learn to

read the movement that’s what he’s

saying one of the ways you love your

wife is learn to read her and if you

know that she is coming on the week

before that time that’s when those

changes are going to occur climaxing

during that period of time when her flow

begins okay

and then the period a few days after it

begins to rise the hormonal structure

begins to settle in become a constant

and of course she’s more alive and more

active

she’s were oriented to you more patient

with the kids but you see that’s

something she can you say to your wife

for example you say why you have to be

that way you say because I want to all

right I mean she gets upset well the

whole point of it is if she’s going

through those changes then she can’t

help but respond on a different

wavelength so if there are other

irritations in the relationship you’re

going to feel them and you’re going to

know them now let me run on a little bit

further here because we’re running out

of time he goes on he says this drove us

in an understanding way learn what makes

them tick giving honor to the wife give

honor to your wife the concept of giving

honor is the concept of placing her on a

pedestal like it or not that’s what that

means the concept of honor

is placing on on a pedestal it doesn’t

say change your wife if you’re trying to

change your wife you mess it up you mess

it up changing your wife it’s not by

changing your wife changing your wife is

by honoring your wife now if your wife

is like my wife she spends a lot of time

in self pampering before the mirror of

how she looks how she dresses the way

they look in the mirror do you know what

women doing that pampering themselves

they’re making themselves

feel good about themselves now honoring

her is you’re adding to what she already

does for herself

it’s your pampering her pampering of

herself it is you making her feel good

about her okay and the reason why many

of our wives rebel is because what they

need they’re not receiving women need

honor they need to be pampered or put on

a pedestal and everyone you did that

when you dated your wife everyone baby

you should you are fine do you hear me

do you hear me we talking about our bad

man my JAMA you are fine all right all

right I mean we pampered her and pulling

out of the chair we pampered her and

opening the door we pampered her and we

were walking along side of the street

you know moving her to the other side we

moved to the inside you know man she’s

lucky if we can get in the car before we

drive off I mean when we talking about

things have gotten bad here all right

pamper your wife honor her make her feel

like some body special if you do that

without expecting anything in return

then anything you get is a bonus see

don’t do it say that okay okay now I

can’t

I heard the past this morning I’m going

on here baby you got a week a pampering

if you don’t get your thing together in

a week

I am pampering you no more oh no no you

understand it took you five years to

make this mess it may take you five

years of pampering to clean it up I

don’t know well I shouldn’t have said

that but the idea the idea that I want

to communicate is very simple the idea

man I want to communicate is wives need

honor but I got pay love means honor and

don’t expect anything return or don’t

demand anything in return

now that’s what God will use though to

give you something in return

you can’t go demanding it I’m going to

do this next you better do that

God didn’t do that he doesn’t say I’m a

doubt for you now you better get saved

I’m going to die for you and salvation

is available if you want it I but I’m

still going to die and some of you men

in your homes have got to decide to die

to be striped to be kicked and abused

and you’re still very much a man so you

haven’t become less of a man you’re all

man if you do that because it takes

somebody with guts to be willing to do

that okay in closing here as to the

weaker vessel he calls her weaker in

other words she can’t take what you can

take she can’t take it physically she’s

physically weaker she’s emotional cry

first generally because she’s motional

weaker she can’t take what you take so

you take more than she has to

the Bible says she’s weaker and she is

that’s why she gets upset faster and

stays upset longer because she’s weaker

she cannot take what you think so she

works and then has to come home and cook

and then take care of kids her circuits

are often overloaded she can’t take what

you take and then you get mad cuz she’s

not available at night but if the

circuits are overloaded she can’t take

it all right she can’t respond okay and

so then she feels like a and she’s

forced to respond physically but she

can’t because the circuits overloaded

because she’s weaker the Bible says God

made a weaker and then he closes by

saying and being heirs together of the

grace of life treat her as an equal

heirs together don’t treat her as

somebody under your foot the way some

men treat their wives are like dogs are

like dogs they treat them disgracefully

not as an equal she’s not your child so

you don’t beat order okay she is your

equal you’re the leader but she still is

your equal in essence she’s every bit as

good as you treat her as an equal and

then he says that your prayers may not

be hindered you on your knees pray and

law change my wife

God says you have hindered prayers if

you’re not honoring your wife if you’re

not willing to take stripes for your

wife then get up off your knees because

I won’t need your prayers because you’re

not loving your wife let me give you a

couple things you can do specific number

one the first thing you do is each day

if you’re going to honor your wife

you’re going to pamper her do something

special for your wife or say something

special it doesn’t have to cost money

but expect nothing in return

she’s making up the bed go to the other

side of the bed and say hey I’m honey

let me help you and then after you pick

she gets up off the floor

you know she goes to wash dishes honey

let me put them in the dryer let me dry

yeah every day do something or say

something special you don’t know how

much it affects your wife when you say

to her on the way out the door honey you

sure look beautiful today you do that

enough what do you think she’s gonna say

well let me stay home then you’re not

dumb you’re not dumb all right each day

say or do something special expect

nothing in return I mean if you say baby

you look wonderful and she says get out

of my life

pick your feelings up off the floor and

keep on trucking secondly make sure you

include the unexpected stop being so

boring she kind of can predict what

you’re going to say or what you’re going

to do before you do it that’s why she

won’t make love with you that’s as

boring as everything else don’t be don’t

be so anticipatory so predictable I mean

remember when you were dating what are

we going to do tonight surprise you know

you were creative be creative the Bible

says that the Lord’s mercies are new

every day never know what’s coming and

that’s why you want to get in the habit

of thinking and planning and being

creative doesn’t have to cost any money

a little special love note ideally once

a week but certainly twice a month date

her now this is this is different than

the nice things you do every day that

was a little quick thing but twice a

month say this is our night we gonna get

somebody for the kids or whatever you

have to do I’m going to take you out

whether it’s dinner whether it’s for a

walk even but we’re going to go out I

can’t wait to be with you

I can’t wait to be

with you I want to be with the kids and

that’s nice but there’s nothing like

being with you because the husband and

wife relationship takes precedence of

the parent-child relationship you’re

preparing the children to leave quick

you still got to live with your wife

okay so what I’m saying to you today is

please please a couple times a month

next is give her time from the kids and

you see the men can get away from the

kids a lot easier than the ladies can

give her time away honey let me keep the

kids tonight you just go and do

something for you because what that says

is that you’re important and I really

want you to online I care about the fact

that you have the burden of the children

most women do love her with your words

read the Song of Solomon sometime lover

with your words love her with your words

and don’t wait till 10:00 at night when

you know you want something love her

with your words at 10:00 in the morning

when you know you’re not going to get

nothing she’s going to way out the door

honey looking forward to you coming back

home love her with your words when you

read the lover Solomon he talks about

the beauty of her teeth and the

tenderness and softness of the skin and

the aroma of her perfume and and he goes

on and on and on and on and on and talks

about how she’s like the gazelles and

and the beauty of a hand he goes on and

on and on and on and on and on and on

and then he climaxes in chapter 4 when

she says come into your God she takes

the initiative sexually why because all

he’s been doing is giving her his words

he’s been building that thing I call in

the middle of the day and said and just

simply say to her to start I called

because you’ve been on my mind I’ve

heard your voice and that’s all I need

goodbye

so you need to do Louisville with your

words okay

famous song was out simply said lover in

a hundred ways lover in a hundred ways

she’ll change it may not be tomorrow but

remember you’re not eros

you’re not phileo you’re a guy you’re

going to love her expecting nothing in

return

so whenever you get something it’ll be

God’s reward to you