The question isn’t, “Are obstacles going to come up in your relationships?” The question is, “What are you going to do with them when they do?”
here’s a garden this this represents the
love of a relationship and and all the
potential of a relationship and this of
course represents the offenses that are
going to come into your relationship now
you don’t have to be married to get a
whole lot out of what I’m saying right
now this will apply to anybody in your
life who is important to you and show
you exactly what the enemy will try to
do like for instance I don’t know if
Stephanie’s a good cook or not oh yeah
yeah good good and and I was talking to
my mom this morning no my mom lives here
in Charlotte and she reminded me of this
story is hilarious it just shows how
offenses can come because the question
isn’t of our offense is going to come
into your relationship that’s not the
question they’re gonna come they’re
gonna come the question is what are you
going to do with them
that’s what determines whether or not
you keep a strong relationship with God
with others with yourself so my mom was
telling me they were at my father’s
mom’s house so my grandmother my dad’s
mom’s house for Thanksgiving and she
made some stuffing do you know that yeah
and when she and my grandmother made
some stuffing and the way the way I
understood the story my dad was sitting
there eating his mom’s stuffing and
while he’s eating the stuffing he says
trying to give a compliment to his mom
he’s like mmm mom nobody makes stuffing
like you I mean other people try to make
stuffing but nobody can make it like you
and my mom is my mom is thinking while
he’s saying nobody makes stuffing like
you my mom is thinking and nobody is
going to make stuffing for you X
that’s your mom so you better invite
your mom to be your cook if nobody makes
stuffing like her and my mom said I
didn’t make that man stuffing on
Thanksgiving for the next six years and
I said can I tell the church that story
it’s a good illustration she said yes as
long as you clarify that I really do
make better stuffing than your
grandmother now I got you holding that
because he says this stuff um he says
these unintentional things cuz men are
stupid we just say stuff we don’t
realize what we’re saying and we just
say stuff and maybe then hasn’t done it
yet to me he looks like an intelligent
man but he’s gonna say something and he
it will be unintentional in his mind
he’s just saying it he’s just saying
something just it’s a cesta or sometimes
it’s not what they say it’s what they
don’t do it’s an unmet expectation that
is the breeding ground of offenses and
relationships
unmet expectations and let me tell you
the breeding ground of unmet
expectations unexpressed expectations so
you got to learn how to talk to people
otherwise like let’s say growing up in
Stephanie’s house birthdays were a big
deal but maybe a dance house they didn’t
make a big deal about birthdays cuz hey
what did you do you didn’t do anything
on your birthday
you were just born so maybe on birthdays
at Dan’s house nobody celebrates the
fact that you just came out into the
world like it was some great achievement
but Stephanie wakes up and her mom used
to make her pancakes on her birthday and
her dad had a special song that he was
saying I don’t know I’m making this
stuff up I never met Stephanie and Dan
before I was making a scenario and so
Dan wakes up on the birthday and he’s
gonna take her out to PF Changs that
night because that’s her favorite place
she said but now it’s morning time and
it’s like 7:00 and there’s no pancakes
and there’s no special song and there’s
no thing and so now all of a sudden it’s
the first birthday they spent as a
married couple and he wakes up and gives
her a little kiss and goes to work and
Lise R with an offense and you’re like
well that’s stupid that she shouldn’t
get so offended over that well you get
offended over some stuff to some little
things and you hold it and and it won’t
just be you offending her let’s say
maybe let’s say you’re working really
hard
this used to happen in me and Holly’s
marriage this is an example I did not
ask for permission to share when I
discovered that her recreational
preference was shopping
and yeah yeah so she said me too so you
come home on Saturday Hollywood come
home on Saturday and she would be
energized and she would have bags all
over her arms but to me those bags
didn’t look like shopping bags those
bags look like grenades to be launched
into our financial picture Here I am
trying to work she walking in with all
these bags looking at her and then she
has the nerve to say don’t worry cuz I
got it on and this is what the devil
wants all right now Dan is trying to
fall asleep on Saturday night and again
I’m just making this up but she handed
you this official I’m trying to offend
you she was just shopping it was just a
thing but then it’s working and doesn’t
she see how hard I’m working and how
does she expect us to get ahead
financially and like the last thing she
needs is another pair of shoes
and what’s the incident enemies like
yeah yeah that’s good then that’s good
she doesn’t care about you she doesn’t
respect you she doesn’t she doesn’t
appreciate all that you’re doing to
provide for her she’s working against
you it’s just a little offense meanwhile
Stephanie is still stuck on her birthday
it was four months ago she’s still mad
about the pancakes come here Stephanie
and she’s over here and and she’s still
she’s still nursing that that thing
about the birthday and see us every time
she thinks about it
yes a little deeper should drive it down
in there with every thought and reliving
it and thinking about what he said and
what she did and what they didn’t say
and pay attention to me and appreciate
me it drives it down deeper and marriage
is gonna give you because it’s the most
intimate relationship and the more
intimate the relationship the more
infinite the potential for offense and
so you’re gonna have like a million
offenses little offenses and if you
don’t learn how to deal with them
because sometimes the thing that you
liked about her when you were dating
will drive you crazy now that you have
to wake up with it every day
no offense to Stephanie I’m sure she’s
wonderful you’re like oh why would you
say that about her it’s true about
everybody here’s how the country
preacher said that he said before
marriage opposites attract
after marriage opposites attack a man
that’s how the country creature said it
and so I know it’s kind of heavy
that’s how fences are but it’s not all
at once it’s just one at a time so like
let’s say that before marriage you liked
her because she is mysterious and quiet
and that draws you to her but then in
marriage it can go this way to where it
was really attractive that she was quiet
and mysterious when you were dating her
but now in marriage she will never talk
and it’s like no but yeah but no but
just for example and it’s like why won’t
you tell me what’s on on your mind but
that’s why you liked her and before you
married him he was the life of the party
and he walked in and he just talked and
lit up the room and now why won’t he
ever shut up Dan will not shut up shut
up Dan
and so what actually was part of
building the foundation of the
relationship now its offense and it
happens a million different ways and the
enemy review all kinds of opportunities
and you don’t realize what’s happening
because it’s just one little
conversation after another you know it’s
just dressing on Thanksgiving
yeah a big thing it’s just me trying to
tell Holly how to drive in her sand well
then why don’t you drive if you do such
a good driver and we have a lot of
dysfunction in our relationship over
what happens in the car because I can’t
find my way places and she can’t drive
so she has a great sense of direction
but horrible driving skills I’m a great
driver with no sense of direction so the
other night we’re driving coming from a
movie as a matter of fact not the
Christian football movie but we’re
coming back and she almost got us killed
and I was mad because to me she wasn’t
paying attention and we talked about
that later and she was like well you
know if you want to be in control of how
the car works there’s a different seat
you can sit in
shut raka raka
[Applause]
that’s the biggest problem you have
nodes like the biggest problem we have
it’s just the one I’m gonna tell you
about it’s none of your business with
Ron here but see a fence by offense if
we don’t learn what to do about this the
enemy would love just one conversation
after another you don’t make a decision
to walk away from a relationship that
you love you don’t you don’t see them
becoming your enemy and Matthew 5:25
it’s just one unacknowledged effort
after another and you start thinking
well I’m the only one who ever takes out
the trash around here what I I guess
I’ll do it do it again like always no
it’s good I got it I got it on a problem
I would love to get up with the kid
again in the middle up and I know it’s
fine I know you got to work and now what
started it’s just a small offense now
what God joined together its separated
because of offense
[Applause]
[Music]
and now the crazy thing is Jesus said if
you let it get to this point if you live
your relational life on the basis of
well I’m not apologizing first apologize
first last time if you don’t learn how
to deal with these things you find
yourself in prison it’s not them that
you in prison it’s you hey Dan
why don’t we talk anymore
where did the love go then we haven’t
been to PF Changs in three years then
you built a fence the enemy’s agenda is
destruction the strategy is the vision
and his tactic is offense thankfully God
has given us another way to deal with
the fence if only we could find an
example of somebody who had every right
to be offended of somebody who had every
right to hold it against us of somebody
who had every right to stand at a
distance
[Applause]
but open his arms and said
[Applause]
this is the way of relationship
and the Lord gave me a real specific
word for somebody who needs
reconciliation in your relationship it’s
very simple what they have to do if
they’re gonna stay like they started if
we’re gonna get back to where we were
we’re gonna have to learn watch this
this is very this is very profound it’s
deep you’re gonna miss it
it’s what you’re gonna have to learn
[Applause]
you’ve got to learn to drop it you’ve
got to learn to drop it and I don’t mean
suppress it I don’t mean you don’t deal
with things after they happen but after
you’ve had the conversation they’re not
like pancakes on my birthday then drop
it touch somebody say drop it I mean the
moment the offense because you can’t
always control what’s handed to you but
you can control what you do with this so
what are you gonna do with the offense
come on then you can’t you can’t use
anybody else’s actions the enemy wants
you to drive it down deep you know he
wants you to think about it and miss all
the reasons that the person has has
worked their way into your life and miss
all the things they’ve done for you and
he wants to drive it but God says drop
it I believe that there are some things
that we need to drop tonight in fact
Jesus said this is so important that if
you are in church at the altar offering
a gift and a sacrifice but the primary
relationships in your life are
dysfunctional and need reconciliation
you can’t even properly connect with God
unless you drop it do it again Dan
drop it every time they do it I want you
to reinforce it one two three drop what
are you gonna do when they when they
don’t acknowledge you when they don’t
notice you what are you gonna do what
are you gonna do when they when they are
too busy to show you the love and
affection but you know that they’re
trying as hard as they can to you got a
I’m telling you being married being in a
close relationship is about not how
quickly you can get offended but how
quickly you can get over it
[Music]
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