In this episode, John and Lisa continue their conversation about love and relationships with two of their daughters-in-love, Julianna and Christian. They discuss how to know if you are marrying the right person and share ways to identify a toxic or unhealthy relationship. Listen in on this candid discussion about love and relationships through the seasons.

[Music]

welcome to today’s episode of

conversations I’m Lisa and I’m joined by

my husband John and I’m also joined by

Kristian and Juliana yeah so excited by

having our beautiful daughter-in-laws

next to us yeah really on at 12 years

married to Addison right yeah and

Christian is one almost one and a half

years with Arden our youngest yes yeah

we are we are moving forward so we hope

you enjoyed that last episode this is

gonna be part two of Love &

relationships and I just a reminder if

you are listening that means you’re not

seeing it that we’ve actually are

filming the podcast you can watch that

on the YouTube pages of John Bevere or

Lisa Bevere

and conversations this is exciting is

actually now part of a messenger podcast

network which includes the messenger

podcast and let’s talk about it with

sons and daughters and we’re gonna be

adding new show so you just need to

watch it check it out we’ve got this

whole umbrella thing but today we’re

going to be talking about part two of

Love & relationships and John why are we

talking about this

it’s so important Lisa because today I

believe the young generation is being so

attacked in their marriages and

commitment and I think a lot of them are

saying we have questions that are

unanswered we have concerns we have

challenges that we feel are overwhelming

and we just want to bring a lot of

comfort in those situations you know

Paul makes the statement in second

Corinthians chapter 1 he said I went

through trials that I almost despaired

life and he said but we were comforted

by God who now we have the ability to

comfort others with the same comfort we

received so I feel like that’s what

we’re doing with this series and that’s

why I love doing two parts and would

have loved doing 10 parts because

they’re just so important yeah so anyway

we’ve got our two daughter-in-laws and

we want to just dive into some more

things that we really need to discuss

and I just want to open up with how did

you guys know you were supposed to marry

Arden how did you know you were supposed

to marry addison well what was it a

feeling was that you just liked him

better than the other guys you dated I

mean

I’d love to hear from you you almost 12

years yes a most of years so I was 19

actually 18 when I knew Addison was the

only one for me and it happened really

quickly as you guys know and I think

looking back on it all I can say is that

I knew there was just no other option

like he was the most incredible person

I’d ever interacted with and it was like

what was different about him well

something that was definitely different

was how attractive he was also just how

genuine and real his commitment and

relationship with God was so you guys

know this but the week I met Addison was

also the week I really met the Lord for

the first time and the Holy Spirit and

all of it was so wrapped up in one that

then God in His grace it didn’t feel

that way at the time had us go through a

season of separation so that was nine

months where we already knew this was my

spouse but we weren’t allowed to be

together we weren’t allowed to be

interacting in any way shape or because

of the intern because that was not John

and I no no because of the rules and I

look back now though and I see that the

way we went into this whirlwind romance

God wanted to solidify you don’t have to

go through Addison to get to me but then

what could have harmed us was this idea

that I had to go throughout us and to

get to God is now such a huge tool and

for good in our lives because we both

lead each other to God but it’s because

we’re we’re on our own so I don’t know

all that to say it was like getting an

email that the prince wanted to give you

a check for millions of dollars but but

it actually came through like meeting

Addison and coming together with Addison

was like winning the lottery so there

really wasn’t a question you know it’s

amazing how similar our stories are

because I led Lisa to the Lord on her

first

yeah and it’s a family thing

III just remember when I came home after

just three weeks I’ve graduated from

college and I just had this look on my

face and my mom went what’s up with you

I said mom she’s different than anyone

I almost and I hope I don’t get in

trouble I really believe that God

creates a soulmate for us I do and I

know that can be challenged but if my

steps are order of the Lord and that I

have to say is what did it for me yeah I

just knew like I knew I was saved this

woman is my wife

yeah and even when friends were saying

cuz you know Lisa Lisa was straight out

of the world they were like oh no no no

there’s there’s girls that have been

raised in the church you know you’ve got

a call in your life and I was I would

hope it wouldn’t mean anything it was

yeah but but I knew I knew I looked I

looked at my parents and I said I know

she’s the one and they said we support

you well then what’s so cool about that

is that people will ask me so you came

straight out of the world and how did

John and Lisa react to Addison way

before he had seen it so quickly and I

loved that it wasn’t even a thing

because one you trusted your son right

and two it was it was so close where I

immediately felt this just this

overwhelming love where it was like when

you know you know you know I still

remember the Addison was supposed to

pick me up from the airport I had just

come to Ukraine so I have been flying

all night from the Ukraine and he was

talking to Julie on the phone and got

lost going to the Denver Airport a place

he’d probably driven 50 times to and

just got lost in love he was totally in

love and when I left he hadn’t even met

you and then he was madly in love and

when he picked me up

he just said mom I know hmm I know and

as soon as he said I know I knew and

then he said and you’re going to lunch

right now

we’re going to win so how about you

Christian I’d love to hear your

perspective on this I think that theme

of when you know you know is consistent

through all of our stories which I kind

of hate saying because it is a cliche

and when you don’t know it’s hard to

know when you will know because in my

dating experience I always tried to date

for love what I thought love was at the

time but I needed some people that

weren’t high caliber and I dated some

that were so in my mind it was kind of

that same instance of how do I know this

one is the one how do I say I deserve

better than this if if there is someone

else out there because yeah quite

honestly the guy I dated before Arden

was an amazing guy any single ladies I

would send his or hey but I didn’t have

that piece and I wasn’t sure why and I

just remember praying I was like God if

if there is someone else out there I

don’t think I deserve better but I’m

gonna trust in that that you have

someone very specific and like you said

John kind of a soul mate that it’s gonna

bring out the best of me and I the best

in him and I kind of went to bed that

night and had a dream and and this is

like the super spiritual anagram force I

know the story but I had a dream and in

the dream I was engaged to someone and

it was someone I had never seen but I

was like wow I I would married that guy

he’s good

and there was just certain things within

the dream when I woke up remember

thinking God I’m gonna trust you that

there is a peace that surpasses a

checklist that surpasses feelings that

there’s a validity to when you set it up

that it is perfect in the sense that I

remember when I met Arden I was thinking

he could be the one he can be the one

and there was a phrase that he said in

that dream that Arden said in real life

and I was like oh my gosh okay this is

it don’t blow it met the parents on the

first date I was like please does it how

it sure

I think it was a setup but you know

we’re here you know I had a very similar

thing as well I I was just in between

sleep and waking up and I saw the

clearest vision of the profile of a

brunette woman with hair down to here

her shoulder length and first of all I

knew it was my wife I’d never met Lisa

yes going for the blonde and that’s what

I was gonna say my mom had me paid for a

blonde because all the girls I was

attracted to were blonde and I thought

oh my gosh and I remember leaving Lisa

the Lord

her hair was long she went back to

school she came back and I was ready to

propose to her and her hair was shoulder

like she had cut her hair and I said

would you just do a profile for me and I

went oh my gosh that’s the girl I saw so

I know here’s here’s my concern I do

think there’s people that have that what

you guys are talking about but I also

think people can become our soul mates

because god knits us together in a

covenant and I’ve talked to a lot of

people where they got married and the

people had all the right elements but

they hadn’t grown into that oneness and

I you know I almost would feel like

maybe that was a more mature thing I’m

not saying you know like sometimes our

stories there’s people that are married

that might be sitting here good now

going I never had that experience what

you make that loving it it’s an eternal

covenant you made a big God so there’s

no question it’s our soul stain I guess

right now we’re reaching out to the

single people but we are spiritual

beings and we can’t downplay that just

like I know that we were supposed to

move to Colorado Springs I know that I’m

saved I know they’re they’re just things

you know and don’t discount that and

don’t jump early when you don’t know

that and and I’m sure that you were

wrestling with you know this is a great

guy and there’s no doubt he was probably

a phenomenal guy how long did you guys

date so

we dated for right around two years and

Arden and I dated for like two and a

half months before we got engaged this

is a big contrast I will say that I know

that both Arden and Addison were ready

to get married they were not playing

they were not players they just they

wanted to get married okay so let’s talk

about this because I do think that maybe

people have been conditioned to accept

toxic relationship or abusive

relationships and let’s talk about

whether there’s what what does a healthy

dynamic look like you know so that we’ve

got codependent where people are

enabling each other versus independent

where people are like I live my life you

live your life and then we’ve got people

that are inter dependent so Julie you

mentioned that early on you guys might

have had more of a codependent and you

also talked about now you’re kind of

both leading each other towards the

things of Christ can you talk about that

transition yeah so being so young and 19

when we got married 19 when we got

pregnant there there was this sense of

like I went from my parents house to

Addison and so in a lot of ways he

fathered me and while simultaneously

fathering are dialed and that that

worked because of who he is

he rose to the challenge and did it

miraculously but then as our

relationship progressed a few years in

there was some unhealthy stuff that

started to develop because of that

narrative that we had taken on and where

I didn’t feel like his equal I felt like

he was fathering me still which really

messed with my identity as a mom and a

wife and I’m sorry I’m not your child

and and it is it’s also our personality

dynamic where he just more naturally as

like well just tell you what to do

because I know the best way to do it and

he usually does but that’s not a healthy

relationship yeah thanks a lot Josh

but that’s not health so the way we were

able to progress from that parent-child

relationship to being interdependent was

that we both were on our own journeys of

growth and our own journeys of health

and Addyson no longer saw my progress as

his progress I mean it was in a sense

but it wasn’t as intermingled where it

was like he was in charge of me it was

he was a letter side yeah and he will

joke now and he’ll say I raised you the

first ten years now you’re gonna raise

me the next seventy let’s just you know

be alongside each other and Christian

I’m gonna I’m gonna tell you something

Arden said to me I was like Arden you

know when he nearly it was time for him

to get married he had this knowing he’s

very art is very prophetic and he was

dating some absolutely gorgeous girls

right so I said I said okay Arden why

Christian and he so the first thing he

said to me is she asked me the hard

questions and I think that’s what drew

him to you is he wanted somebody that

wasn’t going to be dependent on him he

wanted somebody who had a very strong

relationship with God independent of him

so they could be interdependent and you

want to elaborate on that a little bit

yeah well I think first of all just a I

wasn’t always like that

and none of us were just anyone hearing

listening to that because it took me

asking myself the hard questions before

I could ask him and just being real and

uncomfortable because like I said I I

wanted I wanted to be married for a long

time I thought I was ready for marriage

for a long time but um in this little

season before I met ardent I really had

to get real and raw of God what what

does a partnership look like in your

minds for me like you know how you knit

me what do I need and I think from that

gleamed the questions I wanted to

garden and I did and you know we we got

married so so answer the question and

not to be codependent is to have a very

strong relationship with God on your own

and then you build your partner let’s

talk about toxic marriage

I’d really like to address that because

there’s a lot of people here in toxic

situations Lisa I’d love for you to

address that okay well you know I think

that sometimes people can get in

patterns where they think toxicity and

abuse is normal and when they actually

have an eye-opening experience that this

isn’t healthy

like when being in a marriage where one

person feels less than the other it’s

never going to be healthy and that

doesn’t mean that might be like less

skilled in something I’m saying less

than devalued demit dismissed before it

absolutely and that you know a lot of

times people think that’s automatically

only things that happen to women but it

happens to men too you know yeah I I

know that for me and you and our

marriage at the beginning I I found it

very frightening to relinquish control

to you because I thought if I turn over

this control nothing is going to get

done and I thought I don’t know if I

trust John and and God said to me you

don’t have to trust John you have to

trust me

and so you know we have to understand

that sometimes when people are afraid

they’ll try to control things when

people haven’t had something modeled

well then they can’t do better we came

from very different marital backgrounds

John came from a family who never fought

I came from a family who didn’t ever not

fight they fought all the time and so it

was it was a very that was toxic and

yours was not modeled it wasn’t bad it

was just kind of like what are we

building so we wanted to build something

different so again I think that there’s

people in very abusive toxic

relationships that doesn’t mean they’re

hopeless that doesn’t mean that you

can’t bring it to a crisis and say I

love you and I’m committed to our

marriage but I will not go forward with

our marriage looking like this

I was looking yes so how does somebody

handle that situation you don’t allow

abuse to continue yeah you’ve got to

bring somebody healthy

into a situation right when you get an

abusive situation it’s not just the

abuser that gets unhealthy is the abuse

person gets you know they get their

little spirits broken and their identity

torn up and so you need someone healthy

on the outside to come in which we are

big proponents of counselors one of one

of the greatest things that we have been

able to offer and I know tons of people

have been involved with it is the course

that we did with chip Judd we brought we

brought to people the people that we

would go to when we’re like hey we need

some tools to move forward with stuff

you know one thing I want to do because

we’re almost out of time

I would like both of you to say

something to a young girl or you know

maybe someone who feels like maybe love

and life has passed her by and and she’s

thinking of just settling or she’s just

thinking what is one thing that you wish

you would have known that you could say

to them to protect them from having

their feelings hurt and just getting an

unhealthy relationship because I love

what you said because that’s was my

prayer I said God I think I know what I

like but I’m not sure what I like is

healthy so god I want you to tell me

what’s best for me I’m not gonna pick

because I’m weird I’m gonna let you pick

for me cuz you know what my strengths

are my weaknesses are so I look that was

kind of your prayer yeah you know I

think just even what we’re talkin on

what like comes to my spirit is so my

father and i’s relationship has has

grown tremendously in the last 24 years

but mostly in the last four years and

honestly marriage has helped that in a

lot of ways but i think before i was

seeking so much of my identity and who I

ended up with and and how loved I was or

how lovable I was able to be was based

on if someone loved me and I think

sometimes that hurries the season of

looking for that and in Awakening things

before it’s ready just because you want

a void filled and so in part of that I

would say glean from who you are solely

in Christ solely that you were lovable

silly that there is nothing that you

or searching for because marriage adds

to your life it doesn’t solve what’s

wrong with you because that’s not what

it’s for it’s not go to pendant and the

other side of that I would say just you

know if you have awoken things and if

there has been a negative pattern like

you’re saying you don’t have to continue

that that there is restoration I mean I

thought from from small and big

instances God why would you pick me to

be Arden’s wife like there was probably

one of those gorgeous girls he could

have ended up with but it wasn’t

necessarily what I had done or hadn’t

done it was because of who he had made

me to be and who and how he saw Arden

that being married

tonight before you speak Julie I want to

say something that’s and I’m gonna give

you guys freedom to really disagree with

me but I believe we as Christians are

supposed to be missional I believe that

makes us stand out my meat my food is to

do the will of him who sent me and

finish his work

I find that as a single person the

single people I see are healthy are

missional they’re so focused on their

mission that God has called them to and

it just seems like there’s an

intersection they’re not know waiting

pattern they’re in and there’s an error

section that occurs and they go this is

it and I would say if I was counseling

my young self again I would say be much

more intentional on the mission that God

has called me to in this world and let

let the other come into place he knows I

need it he knows when I need it I’m

gonna let it come into place I welcome

your challenge but that’s that’s

something I want to say to every single

person out there no I completely agree I

think this idea that is really strong in

Christian communities that your life

doesn’t start until you’re married that

your calling is not going to be given to

you until you’re married that you’re

disqualified because you’re not married

are such lies and really I think one of

the main reasons why there is so much

divorce within Christianity is that

people just want to get on with it it

gets really confusing when you feel like

God’s just waiting for you to get

married to use you and so I think that’s

ex

an advice that people need to be going

on the path that God has for them and

you’ll see those people alongside you

like I just think what I would say to

someone who is in that situation is

trust God like believe that he really

has woven your life together so

specifically for someone who is going to

be like just know you and before you and

that partner who really is going to

propel you forward who’s not going to

drag you down and you trust that and you

move in that belief you move in that

faith and don’t let those don’t let

comparison even what we’ve talked about

here today don’t look at our stories and

allow the enemy to use them to tell you

you’re not good enough because that’s

just a lie oh my god

no absolutely not like if you’re going

if you are moving towards God you will

be changed we are all being changed by

the grace of God so you can be changed

into that perfect person for your spouse

so let me put it in a nutshell and then

maybe we can close if you’re single be

missional and focus on what God has

called you to do trust him he will put

you in places that your trust will be

challenged but that’s part of our walk

with God if you’re married it doesn’t

matter if you felt like you’re your

spouse is your soul mate or not your

soul mate that no longer is even a

question to be asked you have made an

eternal covenant with God that I will

stay faithful to this person and you

will trust that God will cause all

things to work out for your and your

spouse is good hey thanks for tuning in

we would love to have you subscribe we

want to hear from you we want to have

your questions put out here I wish you

could see our list here we had this

massive list and we covered like three

things but anyway we want to hear from

you and and if we haven’t covered

something we totally would love to cover

it also you can buy this Saint

look all you have to do yeah her husband

all you have to do is go to the

messenger podcast.com backslash offer

and the great thing is if you do it soon

you’re gonna get some free goodies as

well but even if you didn’t get the

goodies you should totally get it

because it is a good book

so until then and until next time this

has been conversations with John Lisa

Julie and Christian Bevere thanks for

listening to conversations with John and

Lisa let us know your thoughts by

leaving a review and be sure to

subscribe and share these episodes

through iTunes you can also connect with

John and Lisa through Facebook Instagram

and Twitter

until next time