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welcome to moms of men i can’t even tell
you how excited i am that i actually
have my men here with me i’ve got my
youngest son arden wanna wave
there you go arden addison
alec who spanked the most and austin so
we’ve got all of my boys and we think
this is gonna be a great opportunity
i’ve already been really open with you
guys that i did not do everything
perfectly not even everything well but i
want you to hear from their perspective
not just my perspective so they’re all
alive they’re all healthy they have all
of their limbs and fingers and toes and
so this is going to be enlightening for
everyone we want you to hear from the
boy’s perspective and we’ve just opened
it up that they can be vulnerable and
they can be honest so we’re going to go
for this
so uh one of the topics we’re going to
cover is and who anybody that wants to
can go first is
so
what would you guys say to a mom out
there that is a single mom maybe and
she’s raising sons
or a mom that’s just feeling overwhelmed
maybe she’s got one son and she has a
bunch of daughters or she’s feeling
insecure what would be a source of
encouragement that you would give her
well i’ll say something like
and uh just what i’ve learned growing up
is when we were young
i never got the sense that you were
drowning and i know that
seriously
and and i know you talked about and
stuff like that how every day you felt
overwhelmed but um as your son and
probably all of us we never had that
oppression impression that like oh my
gosh our mom is losing her oh my gosh
our mom is about to flip or anything
like that i never had that impression
and so thankful
yeah so i would love to just encourage
moms like um the the sons don’t always
perceive all the emotions that you are
feeling but
you’re doing the best you can and know
that and your sons aren’t picking up on
all those cues so literally um they’re
not being as hard on yourself on on you
as you may be being on yourself and so i
just want to encourage you with that and
and i thought you did a great job mom
and so um and i know you felt like there
were moments where you didn’t feel like
you did a great job and so i just want
to encourage the moms right off the bat
with that so maybe as the oldest i got a
less filtered view but i do feel like
there were a few times
all joking aside the thing that really
stood out to me is that you didn’t put
up some kind of facade
and when you were going through things
you processed those in a healthy way
most of the time with me sometimes over
process maybe maybe sometimes it’s a
little too much but i love that you were
real and you showed us that sometimes
life is messy sometimes it’s hard and
that’s okay that doesn’t mean you quit
doesn’t mean you take a step out it just
means you persevere yeah thank you i
appreciate that yeah and i mean uh just
on that you know sometimes let me let
life’s messy sometimes life’s hard yeah
you know just another thing just um to
speak out to the moms is just that
really
um
yeah
you’re kind of seeing the end result
that i mean uh four good looking guys
sitting on the table i mean how does
good looking have
no all right so anyways all right so uh
but but what what i’m trying to say with
that is you know a lot of people are
kind of seeing the end result but then
knowing that really there was a lot of
mess along the way that like yeah i mean
there were some times you know that we
gotten huge arguments and things weren’t
like the prettiest thing that maybe
sometimes could see but we knew how to
fought well and we knew how to
discipline kids well i mean i’m not
saying that i disappoint you
who did you discipline
you guys
i think i think what you’re saying is
it’s not about perfection it’s about
creating a safe environment yeah and
growing up we all felt like we were safe
yeah it wasn’t always perfect but it was
safe you were fed we were fed sometimes
we were locked in the backyard and we
drank out of a house when it got hotter
that was important
that was more so dad though
that’s a different story and it was a
fenced-in yard there were no safety
concerns and i think for the single moms
is for them understanding like they
don’t have to do it alone like they have
people in their lives they have mothers
that they can go to and fathers that are
father figures and they don’t need to
feel like hey because i’m a parent and
these are my kids i know what i need to
be doing it’s like no they can go they
can ask for help they can figure out hey
how do i do this how do i handle this i
know for you mom you there was times
where you had to go and call people i
called doctor
what in the world do i do yeah
yeah absolutely and i would agree with
what arden said like oftentimes even my
i’m late 20s when someone comes to me
he’s younger than me asking for advice i
take it as a compliment i take it very
seriously and so um even with these moms
i would i would reach out to older women
like and they’d be surprised how willing
other people are to help out and so and
they’re looking for opportunities to
help out you know we deprive other
people those opportunities who might not
be in a season where they’re able to
lend that kind of gift and they want to
love you yes
absolutely
yeah and i know for me you know when
younger people ask me for advice it’s a
chance to redeem the mistakes i made i’m
like oh good listen this is what i did
that i wish i wouldn’t have done and
this is what i didn’t do that you know
and just just kind of give them those
opportunities um you know and and again
what would you say um
you know of of all like favorite
childhood memories so like like what
kind of stands out
like i love that you guys remember
having a backyard fenced in and but but
like what were some of your fun things
you remember
oh you were really intentional to have
us eat together
yeah and so we had a lot of
conversations around the table every
night it was dinner time with the family
and that fostered an environment our
family where we would talk about things
that maybe other families are able to
avoid because they don’t find themselves
in that situation where they’re sitting
in town around the table for 30 minutes
needing to have conversation and you
guys have really fostered that with your
family we have not as well as you guys
did
partly because it turns into an
explosion of food and we sit at the
formal dining table but yes actually on
that one of my favorite memories is uh
extending past the family dinners was
even conversations that you’d have
sometimes at night in your bathroom yeah
that just sometimes at night we would go
into the bathroom with you and
um you know you’re getting ready for bed
and
we would just talk to you about the day
and we’d unpack something and then you
would just really share stuff with us
and
it just felt really amazing because you
know then those conversations really got
to go deep and it felt like then we were
going deep
and i absolutely loved those
conversations yeah and i think those
things having the family dinner and
those conversations even though you guys
were gone so much it was like
it really made us feel like we were
never really like we knew each other so
well it was not like we were far apart
and it was like i mean i know for me i
remember i was like you know i miss my
parents but i also don’t and i think
like that was god blessing us because we
were so close and so tight from those
families like dinners and conversations
that we were like
no matter how far away they are we still
feel like we’re connected we’re we’re
one and i think it was because of that
yeah you know i i and i want to hear
from austin but you know i just want to
highlight this so you know really what
you guys are saying isn’t something out
of the normal everybody eats everybody
eats and so just being intentional it’s
not just because we’re italian but being
intentional about making sure life
happens around the table is is huge
and um you know so i love that that
created conversation so that you guys
had strong connections so when your dad
and i were gone you guys were so strong
connected so yeah but but not only that
and i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to cut
you off but like you would sometimes
share with those things that happen on
the road with you absolutely and you’d
be like hey this happened
what do you think about about the
situation and then then that kind of let
us feel like more mature to actually be
able to share something and then we
would be like well mom this is going on
in school right now and like
what do you think i should do like i
think i should do this but what do you
think and then and you’d be like you
know i think that you’re looking at this
a good way but have you thought about
this you know and it just those
conversations like as arden was saying
it really it made us feel like you guys
were there you know just just the whole
time so he’s always had a budget and
i’ll uh i’ll add on to what uh arden
said uh a question i got a lot when i
was a kid was is it hard for you to have
your parents or your dad gone so much
and like the standard
answer i give them because i love
simplifying things and just standard
answers i would say no it’s actually not
hard when they’re gone they’re gone when
they’re home they’re home and they give
us their full attention and so i just
encourage like moms that have to work
moms have to be away
during the day sometimes for um to know
that they can still have that quality
time with their kids when they’re home
be home with their kids when they’re
away be away um
and then i’ll give like a quick like 30
000 foot view of childhood but for us it
was like
we did family dinners but really we’d go
to school we came home did our homework
you made sure we did our homework first
before we could go out and play and then
literally we would just go out and play
like and then you’d call us back for
dinner but and i remember on weekends
we’d be gone out of the house for most
of the day and i think that was really
healthy there were other kids in our
neighborhood that we played with and
stuff like that and um and so i think it
takes a lot of pressure off the mom too
to be like entertaining their kids all
day long and i i that scares me
sometimes where mom when a mom feels
like she has to entertain her boys like
you know i would be and so i know when i
have kids i’d be like go outside like be
a be a boy like do your thing um and so
yeah i loved that i loved that i had a
childhood where i could go out and hang
out with my friends and then come back
home and um and you teach me during that
time and stuff like that
and that was why we like sunk a
trampoline in our backyard because we
wanted you guys to have a place where
you could go just take the steam off of
the day be outside and we did we had a
great we had great neighborhood dynamics
where you guys had friends that were
able to be you know like go to their
house they were close enough proximity
wise you could spend time with them so
uh what were some of the things that we
could have done better because every
mother does go to bed every night with
me with me okay but no um every mom goes
to bed with a list yeah she does and i
appreciate that austin said that he
didn’t sense that i was over that i was
overwhelmed and i can pick up one thing
that i would just say to to moms already
that i know that that i could have done
better and you and i have actually
discussed this but um addison actually
alluded to it sometimes when john was
gone i would process things with addison
as my oldest son
that uh it was me trying to process
things that possibly i would have been
better processed with somebody else
because it made him have a hard time
with that and so if you’re out there
don’t put pressure emotional pressure on
your your son to process certain things
even if he was around it because then it
feels like he has to choose between your
husband and you or he’s upset with your
husband for something and you don’t want
to do that or he loses respect for you
loses respect for both of us usually and
they lose respect for the mom and i i
think there was a season that addison
and i had a little bit of tension with
that and and i don’t want to see you
guys do that and so again what arden
said and what addison said there’s
somebody out there
you just have to look for the right
person and sometimes in that moment you
you don’t think there’s a person just go
ahead sleep on it and find that person
ask the holy spirit to show you who that
person is yeah you got to bring you
somebody yeah so just on the table what
what are some of the things that
that and we can we can pick on mom
john’s not here john’s not here john’s
not here well alec
yeah like you’re first yeah oh um well i
you know there’s definitely some topical
stuff like uh later on whenever we talk
about the sexual purity things there’s a
few things
that i think maybe could bend down a
little better there
but uh that was your dad yeah you know
we’ll talk about that later but uh no i
mean um i think that
you know there’s definitely areas that
maybe you and dad messed up on but
that’s something that i really felt like
we’re really good as a family we were
good at
arguing and getting it out and then we
were okay like everything was done like
i don’t think that you were afraid of
having us around the table right now at
all because
we all have had our issues but we dealt
with them in the past
if we had something that was big we were
like all right we’re dealing with this
today or if it wasn’t that night because
it was too late and you know my emotions
were just too high it was dealt with
within like the next 24 hours so yeah
and i remember you we asked you guys
when we did the marriage thing we said
what were some of the things we could
have done better and you guys said we
totally understood you guys fighting but
you said you didn’t like it when you
feel like i wasn’t listening to your dad
like oh yeah yeah when i wasn’t
listening oh definitely yeah yeah that
is true and when you guys have fine and
fun and when we fought in front of you
we had to make up in front of you yeah
yeah yeah so that was something that and
that was something that you did great
that if it was a huge argument yeah i
mean because seriously don’t think that
john and lisa have never already we
don’t do everything we don’t do anything
small
yeah
i mean the passion on the road you guys
see that if you’ve ever seen them on the
road so that’s pretty it could get
passionate you know but no then then
there was that you know just forgiveness
though and like wait a minute this is
wrong we need to go and talk this over
with the kids and we need to make this
right yeah mom i could you know of
course i could make a list of things
like hey you did this wrong or you might
have this one time you did that wrong
this other time but no here here’s
here’s the thing though every every
single person’s list looks different we
all have those lists every single one of
us and we have to come to terms with
those lists and the thing that really
stood out to me about you and dad is you
guys would come to us and apologize as
parents oh yeah and that was huge a lot
a lot you guys would come to us and and
i learned because of you i learned
humility and i learned what it is to
apologize and actually after i got
married my wife it was about a year into
our marriage she’s like for the last
year i thought you’ve been disingenuous
because you’re so quick to apologize
after we get into fights i’m like no
this is just what was modeled for me and
my family like when you do something
wrong you take ownership of it
regardless of your position in the
family you take ownership of it so i
really don’t think it matters so much
like what you do wrong because we all do
things wrong what matters is how you
respond when you do that wrong thing
yeah yeah
anybody else want to bring up anything
i’ll i’ll bring up something if you want
i just need to get this off my chest
no uh
i think something that would have helped
me is uh and you guys did this a lot but
sometimes you might have missed it is uh
explaining the why
and so i know something for me when i
was a kid i hated reading and i hated uh
i hated most everything to do with
christianity i know that probably sounds
terrible i’d be like i’d be like i don’t
want to go to heaven and i don’t want to
go to hell i don’t want to make a choice
and
uh dad just the way he went about it is
he he loves the word of god and so he’s
like hey have him read the word of god
until uh he loves it as well which
eventually happened but like knowing
earlier on like why we’re having you
read the bible so much or just stuff
like that it would have helped out a ton
so and then another thing that i think
is great to do is um to be be careful
not to do um
generalizations or stereotypes like
you’re always this you’re always like
never right and so i remember one time
uh when dad was bringing me correction
he brought he did one of those like
generic like
you’re so this type thing and it like it
hurt a lot and and later on i was just
like i went to him and talked to him
about it but
he i know he didn’t view me like that
but in that moment that’s how he’s
viewing me and so
i think that’s just super good
yeah don’t leave your kids address that
that one instance even if they have this
long pattern of you’ve been doing this
for a while just continue to keep
addressing that moment rather than this
is who you are type thing you know
that’s a really great place to close
with because moms keep lists
and they’re usually harder on themselves
than they are with their kids and so
that always and never ends up being
things that the moms say i never get it
right i always mess up i’m always tired
i always didn’t do this you need to
cancel the always endeavors on each
other and you need to cancel them on
yourself so my boys are a lot more
merciful on me than i’ve even been on
myself and so i hope you picked up a
couple of things be a quick repenter
don’t take it into tomorrow don’t beat
yourself up don’t say oh man because
you’re going to react from that place do
meals together it’s important it’s
really important they say it’s the
number one thing that adds value to kids
is doing meals with their mother their
father because your dad was not home for
a lot of the meals so you just have to
be really clear there was some months
when john was only home for three days a
month and in ministry terms that was
bragging rights but now he would look
back and say i wish i would have been
home more so um you know if you make
mistakes calm down own them say you’re
sorry you’re going to model something
for your kids more than trying to act
like you’re perfect so forgive yourself
forgive your kids and
let childhood be fun and it needs to be
fun for you too as a mom and you’re
probably doing better than you know so
let’s end with that