Marriage Advice That Actually Works

now I’m going to talk to you a little

bit about a situation in John’s and my

marriage where I didn’t handle things

well my husband has uh he’s been so open

and so honest that before he was married

and then early on in our marriage he had

a very real struggle with

pornography

welcome back to loving fearlessly and

again we’re talking about marriage

things and I got to here in the last

session about what I wish I wouldn’t

have done and what I wish I would have

done and now I’m going to talk about

what we did do that I was happy about so

these are the things I can probably talk

a little bit more about I’m glad that

John and I wrote out things before our

lives got too crazy we sat down I

mentioned the Chinese restaurant we sat

down and we talked about things we also

had times of prayer where we would just

feel like the Holy Spirit dropped

something in our heart about our future

and we’d write these things out we had

prophecies people that had spoken over

our lives I remember a beautiful

spiritual father in my life an amazing

man named Dale he said to me Lisa the

Holy Spirit who’s praying over me right

before we get married he said the Holy

Spirit told me that he’s going to make

you a living epistle and he said I think

one day you’re going to be writing and I

was like no I hate writing I can barely

do college you know literature I can’t

do any reports this is terrible but

there was something that we wrote it

down and there was things that were just

Whispers that we just dared to write

down before our life got so crazy and

children came and financial challenges

came and disagreements came we captured

those things so we wrote it down and I

would challenge you to write it down I

love going back and looking at my

Journal albeit sporadic I love going

back and seeing the dreams that I have

because you know what I get to see the

faithfulness of God so writing things

down I’m glad we took our children along

with us we took our kids to Indonesia I

I looking back now I mean I almost

stress out when I see kids going to be

on a flight that’s three hours but we

drug our kids all the way from Orlando

to LA and then LA to Hawaii and then

Hawaii to Guam and then Guam to

Indonesia but I am so thankful that my

children got to see poverty they got to

see need they got to see things from

Another cultural perspective I’m glad we

were able to take our children with us

on the road in America we loaded up our

kids in the Honda Civic and drove up and

down I 95 stayed in people’s houses

stayed in campers in backyards think one

time we even stayed in an abandoned bus

in a backyard we took our kids with us

on the journey they saw the struggles

they saw the triumphs they heard the

conversations they were part of our

prayers and I have to believe because we

didn’t leave our kids behind but took

them along with us that’s why they still

have a heart to do things in and for the

ministry um another thing I think it’s

very important that we had a Global

Perspective I’m glad that John and I had

a Global Perspective I remember that

John and I were praying and um actually

a man was praying over us cuz we were

like how are we going to ever do these

things that God’s calling us to do I

don’t know we don’t have money we don’t

listen this man said if you won’t make

money and issue you’ll go around the

world you may not know how you’ll go or

how you’ll come back but you’ll go and

you’ll come back and I remember the

first place we went we were like this

sounds like a crazy thing to do took all

of our kids to Indonesia and when we got

there the people said you know we were

going to only pay for you and John but

we feel like God is saying we need to

pay for your whole family so Global

Perspective I’m glad we hashed out the

hard things and didn’t go underground

with resentment I’m glad that John and I

both are people that are going to want

to talk those things out we didn’t

always do it right we didn’t always do

it the best way as we knew to do better

we did it better but we hashed out the

hard things I hate it when I hear about

married couples they seem like they have

a perfect marriage they say they never

have any fights and then all of a sudden

they’re getting divorced you’re like are

you serious why did you not have the

hard conversations hopefully I’m giving

you tools so you can have the hard

conversations in the right way but I am

glad that even when we didn’t know how

to do it perfectly we made it purposeful

we said we are going to have these

conversations and we’re going to to

figure out these things rather than

going dark getting resented getting

bitter we’re going to have those

conversations I’m glad we also listen to

our board our board was the one that

involved us to get a counselor in our

lives our board said you know what we’re

we’re going to only sign up to be on

your board if you let us get in your

business and they said we don’t care

about your ministry business as much as

we care about your personal business

they said we’re going to get in your

personal business we’re going to ask you

how your marriage is we’re not going to

just ask you how your spreadsheet is

we’re not going to just ask you how many

books you sold John or how many meetings

you spoke at Lisa we’re going to ask you

how your marriage is and then we’re

going to ask your kids how your marriage

is we’re going to ask your kids all

these different questions about you and

you know it was awkward at first but it

forced us into situations to have

conversations and tools put in our hands

that we needed so many of us we wait

until there is a crisis they said to

John and I you guys are on the front

lines and I’m just going to say I feel

like every married couple is on the

front lines but they said you’re on the

front lines and and the enemy knows if

he can undermine your marriage he will

destroy everything so I’m glad that we

listened to our board cuz we could have

said ah you guys don’t know what you’re

talking about I’m glad that we live

below our means I’m glad that we didn’t

you know we just we paid off our credit

card debt every single month that meant

if we didn’t have the money we didn’t

buy it we didn’t buy it and I know that

was hard at the beginning but I’m glad

that we put that practice and John I

both agreed had that conversation and we

said this is how we’re going to live our

lives we’re going to live below our

means so make sure that’s important and

I’m glad that we apologized consistently

to our children when we acted up in

front of them that we were always quick

to apologize and say Hey you know how I

just talked super disrespectfully to

your dad I am so sorry I should not have

done that or John would apologize to me

if we messed up in front of our kids or

if they could hear us yelling in a room

we came out and apologized and I feel

like that modeled something for our kids

that was really important it wasn’t that

parents are perfect it’s that parents

repent when they mess up and it gave our

kids the ability to do that then there’s

a question what about divorce and

remarriage and it says husband left

because of adultery so I’m assuming that

this husband left because he left the

wife so let’s talk about what Luke 16:18

says because Jesus is talking and you

know the Pharisees are like is it lawful

to divorce a wife for any reason and

Jesus was like okay what did Moses say

and they’re like well Moses said we

could have a certificate of divorce and

so Jesus is like okay we’re going to

have to go to the heart of this and what

I thought was interesting in the message

it says you’re using the legalities of

divorce as a cover for lust is for

adultery so what he’s saying is the

husband he’s talking to the husband he’s

saying you’re using the legalities of

divorce as a cover for your lust and

that’s adultery and then he says using

the legalities of marriage as a cover

for lust is adultery so it’s it’s not so

much about you having like now that your

husband left you for another woman

you’re an adulterous if you remarry

because it’s interesting because the

Bible also says if the unbelieving

partner departs let him depart he says

you’re not under the law if he leaves

you let him talk another passion

translation says in Luke 16:18 it is

wrong for you to divorce to cover your

lust for another’s wife that is adultery

and when you take that one you have

lusted after as your wife and contribute

to the breakup of her marriage you once

again are guilty of adultery and I’m

going to read Mark 10 and again because

I feel like I feel like we’ve made

divorce this unpardonable sin that

knocks people out and I feel like a lot

of times there’s victims where the wife

has never done anything wrong and and

her husband just leaves and so now her

life is supposed to be put on hold I

don’t think that God is saying that at

all Mark 10 and I’m going to read this

is a lot this is going to be from verse

2 to verse 12 in the passion translation

he said at one point some of the

Pharisees came seeking to entrap him

with a question tell us they ask is it

lawful for a man to divorce his wife he

answered them what did Moses command you

now it’s interesting they’re saying

what’s law and he’s saying what’s

command see there was something that was

a command before there was ever a law

that gave provision and he Jesus said uh

they replied Moses reped uh excuse me

they replied Moses permitted us to write

a certificate of Separation that would

be valid to complete a divorce Jesus

said yes Moses wrote that exception for

you because you are hard-hearted but

from the beginning God created male and

female for this reason a man will leave

his parents and be wedded to his wife

and the husband and wife will be joined

as one flesh and after that they no

longer exist as two but as one so there

you have it what God has joined together

no one has the right to split apart once

indors his disciples asked him to

explain it to them again so he said to

them whoever divorces his wife and

marries another commits adultery against

her and if the wife divorces her husband

and marries another she also commits

adultery so he is talking not about the

one that was left but the one that

leaves and uses a cover up for their

lust with a divorce and legality so I

hope that helped you you know I believe

that often we hear these kind of things

and they they always put in bondage and

dark and it’s noticing it says the

Pharisees press the question to entrap

Jesus when somebody doesn’t have the

spirit of a conversation that God is

having here what Jesus is having when

they don’t have the spirit they will use

it to entrap people but we know that

Jesus was putting it back to from the

very beginning God wanted it to be love

he wanted it to be one he’s never going

to be about separating something that he

made one he wants it to be one now I’m

going to talk to you a little bit about

a situation in John’s and my marriage

where I didn’t handle things well my

husband has uh he’s been so open and so

honest that before he was married and

then early on in our marriage he had a

very real struggle with pornography now

there are people that would say that’s

grounds for divorce you should divorce

your husband he’s lusting after somebody

else you know what I wish I could have

loved my husband fearlessly when he was

going through this situation I wish that

I wouldn’t have had legalism in my mind

but I would have had love in my mind and

so when John walked through getting free

from pornography and lust I was

basically no help to him I was no help

to him because I made it about me I made

it about I guess this is all I deserve I

made it about maybe I’m not desirable

enough I made it about I can’t believe

he’s done this to me when you are one

with somebody and they’re hurting you’re

hurting but they need your help so the

very things that my husband needed from

me more than any other time I pulled

away from him so if you’re in a

situation and maybe your husband is

struggling with lust like so many are in

this day and time I’m going to ask you

to lean into the conversation not just

go immediately to divorce not

immediately say I don’t like the pain I

don’t like the struggle but to say what

can I do to make us one again I’m going

to say that if I had looked at that

first season I would have felt very

hopeless but when we put our hope in God

and when we understand the power of two

people walking agreement one can set a

th000 to flight two 10,000 I wish that I

could have joined my hands and my heart

in agreement and if you’re in that

season I know it’s incredibly painful

but I need you to hear me it’s not about

you it’s not about you weren’t

attractive enough it’s not about you

weren’t enough it’s about a broken place

in somebody else’s life and when people

are broken it doesn’t help to just say

you’re broken it helps to bring them to

the Healer so I’m believing that you’re

going to do it better than I did it I

believe you’re going to be women who can

love fearlessly and live fearlessly and

that you can build back those Broken

Walls that have been torn down in your

marriage and that you can begin to have

a garden again and raise up in strength

in Jesus

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