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how many people have been blessed by
this sermon series so far this has been
a good one for you okay well we’re
taking it to the next level today
next level and how are we gonna do that
you know somebody once told me that
collective wisdom is better than one
person’s wisdom every day and we’re in
the fifth week of this sermon series and
I thought we’d do something different I
can talk about relationships all day I
got tons of stuff to talk about and I
got three more weeks to do it after this
and you don’t want to miss them but
today I thought that let’s let’s invite
some other people who may represent
people in the audience who are watching
people who may be single people who may
be dating people who are engaged people
who’ve been married a short time a long
time young old all that and let’s just
start talking this is one of the things
me and my wife have found that in real
relationships sometimes it’s better when
somebody else starts the conversation
then for the people in the relationship
to start the conversation um I know that
many times when me and my wife were
going through something if I asked her
something about why she did something it
turns into an argument or excuse me he
did fellowship at that moment but when
somebody else asked most of it both of
us how are you doing in this area then
we both get an opportunity to share um
what we’re gonna try to do is three
things and and for all you that have to
have Scripture and have points these are
it’s coming in the next five minutes so
you better get all of them because the
rest of it’s gonna be dialogue okay the
reason that we’re doing this is my
desire is that every person would
embrace the time and season God has them
in
um ecclesiastics 3/1 says for everything
there is a season a time for every
activity Under the Sun that’s including
relationship that means there’s a time
to be single there’s a time to marry
there’s a time to be alone and let God
refine you there’s a time for everything
and so we want everybody to not just be
in their season but we want you to
embrace it man I’m married and I love
you man I’m single and I’m living it up
man I’m dating and I don’t know if she’s
the one or she the one but it’s fun
right now like I want you to embrace
whatever season you’re in so that God
can get the most out of it the second
thing I want you to know is that there
is her hope for your hurdles there’s
hope for your hurdles everybody’s going
through something in relationship that
is a hurdle for them some of y’all don’t
know how to communicate and that’s a
hurdle for you so you really feel
something but every time it comes out in
a secondary emotion like anger
frustration and really you have
something really that needs to be
addressed but you don’t know how to do
it and we want to let you know number
one wherever you are relationally
through this panel you’re not the only
one going through it the enemy tries to
take people out in isolation you’re the
only one don’t tell nobody what you’re
going through what are they gonna think
of you when they find out y’all are
really having these marital problems or
the relationships not working out or we
just went Facebook official and now we
want to quit a week later but I just
want you to know that everybody has
hurdles in relationship okay can we just
break the ice
how many people have hurdles in
relationships right now come on let’s be
honest okay and some of y’all like I’m
not even in a relationship you have
hurdles with the people on your dorm
floor you have hurdles with the person
who serves you Starbucks every week they
understand what I’m saying those are all
relational things and we want you to
know there there’s help for that see
because III think that the church has
lost the power of a simple testimony
I feel like we don’t realize that if we
just can share with somebody where we’re
at and what we’re going through and how
God’s bringing us through or brought us
through that how that gives hope to
somebody else I want you to understand
that this what’s gonna happen today is
as powerful as me getting up speaking in
tongues laying hands on people because
the Bible tells us in Revelations when
the enemy comes to accuse this is how
you overcome him
it says revelations 12:11 you can take
that down it says and they defeated him
they have defeated him the enemy by the
blood of the Lamb that’s grace that we
all receive and the words of their
testimony the problem is many of us get
changed and we don’t want to share what
God has done it’s like we get sanitized
and we never want anything to do with
who we were and what we used to think
and what we do but what you don’t know
is it brings hope for somebody else’s
hurdles that’s why every Sunday I get up
here I’m like I know who I was I was a
liar I was a cheater I was addicted to
pornography I was a manipulator why cuz
that let somebody who’s dealing with
some of that stuff right know that there
is hope for your hurdles and what we
want you to know today relationally is
there’s hope for your hurdles and the
last thing we want you to know and this
is something that I me and my wife
really try to keep in every message we
do at transformation Church we think
that practical leads to progress like
when you’re practical it leads to
actually moving forward I’ve been in
some churches and some stuff they be in
the fifth heaven and everything is so
deep and we’re going to another
dimension like I didn’t get the last one
like I didn’t get the last I mentioned
why do we have to go to another one and
I and though there’s many much wisdom
and things that come a lot of times we
don’t leave knowing how to do anything
and if we’re gonna really transform we
have to have practical steps of how to
move out of where we are to where God’s
going we have a saying around
transformation church that that this
church is not about perfection it’s
about what progression
listen I don’t care what your Christian
walk looks like if it’s leaps jump steps
or scoots if you’re scooting just keep
progressing does everybody hear what I’m
saying religion tries to tell you you
should know this much by now and you
should be here by now and you should do
that no no no no just keep moving
forward and if you keep doing that God
will get you to the destination that
you’re supposed to be proverbs 4 chapter
5 verse 7 this is the best way that we
can get progress it says get wisdom
develop good judgment don’t forget my
words or turn away from them don’t turn
your back on wisdom everybody say wisdom
for she will protect you love wisdom
love her and she will guard you watch
this underline this it says getting
wisdom is the wisest thing you can do
like I love that it’s like trying to
make it for all of us who may be a
little remedial getting wisdom is the
wisest thing you could do and whatever
else you do develop good judgment
another translation says and all you’re
getting didn’t understand and so today
that’s what we want to do we want to get
an understanding we want to get some
wisdom and I thought it would be great
for me you heard from me and pastor
Natalie last week but I thought we’d get
some other people up here that I have
relationship with I trust that many of
them go to transformation church and we
can learn together we’re gonna laugh
today we’re gonna talk real today and I
want you to take at least one or two
things that you can say okay I’m gonna
put that in my bag for my relationship
for my family or I’m not putting that in
my bag what they’re doing who don’t do
that like I want you to take it and I
want you to be better because of what
God is gonna do it man
okay so I’m gonna introduce this panel
to you right now but since we’re talking
about relationships I need some music DJ
could you put some love music on or
something that can get me going yeah go
on
turn that up DJ
okay I want to introduce some of these
people right now
to my right the first couple that’s
coming out um these people are remarried
um one of them their spouse passed away
the other one they were divorced and God
has brought them together we all please
give it up for John and Shante Williams
and on this side they’ve been married
for over 37 years they’re the OGIS of
our panel Pastor Adrienne and be
Humphrey we out give it up for them um
these two people are becoming me and
Natalie’s some good friends of ours
they’re actually starting a church here
in Tulsa called even Tulsa and um this
is an awesome couple married for a
little over a year we all give it up for
Charles and Abbie Metcalf and these next
two people really are amazing in so many
areas if you have ever been in the
emergency room at Saint Francis you may
have seen them because they’re both
nurses we all please give it up for
David and Mandy Hays coming out now this
is one of my favorite people in the
whole world she is a picture of what
life after divorce looks like and she
fine as a glass of wine we all give it
up for pastor Barbara little John come
on over here pass to be cake so this man
is probably one of the nicest guys that
I’ve ever met and I’ve ever known and he
is um he is literally one of the most
encouraging people in the world we all
give it up for Rhema no ocker
and this is my sister right here she’s
single and she’s ready to mingle
we all give it up for Aryan Wilson s he
comes out the last two the last couple
that I’m gonna introduce is actually
dating right now and they have submitted
themselves to accountability and dating
that I haven’t seen many couples do and
they’re succeeding we’re very proud of
them we all give it up for Rob and
Kelsey coming out and last but not least
the mother that bakes all my children we
all give it up for pastor Natalie and
then it’s burning yeah to help her down
burn and help her down
see she carrying a lot Thank You Bernie
don’t touch it that long again burning
all right I’m just we gonna have a good
time today okay so this is how we’re
gonna start thank you guys first off for
being here I know this may be a little
different but through our transparency I
believe that we can help a lot of people
in whatever age and stage and
relationship they’re in so that’s the
first thing I want to find out I want to
find out what season of relationship are
you currently in okay and then I want
you to give me an adjective that
describes or a descriptive word that
describes that season for you right now
like what season are you in and what is
a word or a couple of words that
describe that season Rahman let’s start
with you bro what season are you in bro
I am currently a gay yeah that boy happy
he is happy look at him with that pink
jacket on and the word I would use to
describe Beyonce it’s across the world
right now is stretching stretching okay
stretching let’s go we have been married
for a year and a half and I would say
our word is my word for sure is learning
learning that’s a good word so when a
year in a year and a half that’s a good
word I would say
my word is growing growing learning a
girl y’all seem unified did you all talk
about this we spent six hours practicing
that okay
okay for 22 and a half years and my word
is spontaneous adventures mmm
spontaneous adventures
I’d have to say mine is new capacity new
capacity now let me stop there real
quick
just so you guys can get a little
background on this is that John’s wife
passed away and they had three kids
right and Shonte was divorced and she
had three kids two and a half years ago
they came together and now they got six
kids food for and multiplying and I
think that’s why he said he said not
multiplying no more no more multiply
no more but I think that’s where stretch
capacity comes in that’s beautiful
Kelsey Rob we’ve been dating for a year
for months okay my word is preparation
preparation that’s a good word and my
word would be vulnerable vulnerable
that’s a good word let’s start on the
other side Arian what I can already put
you out there that’s you single and
ready to mingle fellas no I’m just put
your eyes open watch and pray anyway but
but what would describe the season that
you’re in right now descriptive word
promising promising did y’all hear that
promising pastor Adrienne B we have been
married for 37 years that’s awesome and
my word would be empty nesters come on
ain’t nobody at the house a man and – uh
just reflection thoughtful reflection
thoughtful reflection yes
hopeful you’ll think about we could do
how we can give back what we can do and
love with nobody at the house
yes oh we got have fun today y’all just
get ready this is about to be great okay
that has to be what season what stage in
life are you at and what’s a couple
words that can describe that well my my
um season is single divorced okay and my
word is satisfied hey cease reclaiming
our time okay I see you okay Dave and
Mandy will have been married two years
September 25th yeah it’s the 28th it was
close three days long we gonna have
counseling after I got hot for him my
word is maturing mature
I was good David that’s good Brooke Oh
use your words wisely what’s your word
Mandy fun that’s a good word okay so
stretching
okay stretching and fun that’s good BAE
what would be your word we’ve been
married seven years and what would be
your word to describe the season we’re
in right now constant constant adventure
I like that I like that I would
basically say I said we’re in the season
of being fruitful the chart no sleep the
babies fruitfulness amen
okay so um let me ask this question
because we got a lot of people that that
text in questions or emailed questions
and this is one that they wanted to know
how do you or how did you okay
identify marriage material like how how
do you identify the type of person what
are a couple details that you look for
in the type of person that even maybe
you don’t marry yet but you’re starting
in relationship and this is gonna be
different for different people but what
are some of those things that you look
for who wants to start us out with some
of those things you want to look for go
ahead come on she said I’m single I’m
ready to go tell me what I’m looking for
well that wants to be married yeah some
oh she said that like y’all don’t want
to be married and that that really is a
key point and I like that somebody else
what is something that you’re looking
for in some Charles what you got I think
for me when I when I saw Abby she didn’t
need me like I was looking for somebody
that she was fine by herself and she was
strong and independent and but still in
that there was attractiveness to like
man like she’s got her own thing she’s
good but in that’s like the howling I
want to be part of that like I want
somebody like that on my team so you
want somebody on the team that adds
value
not that subtracting Abby you have
something to say with that I would say
to someone that is pushing you forward
in growth and towards your goals if
you’re not growing that’s a
red flag come on that’s good um great
what you got I think for me was the
minimun II I think I’ve he said a memory
of Nemo Nemo that’s me Minnie Minnie so
I think the biggest thing I think we
know what he was trying to say he wants
a woman who’s feminine they had like six
extra syllables feminine the minute
that’s okay I think the biggest thing
was there’s a certain level of
compassion and sincerity and giving that
I found in Nike that really stood out to
me and I think for me even from a
distance I saw that from our friends I
saw there from our family outside it
from our community that she was around
and seeing that femininity in her seeing
her the way she loved other people the
way she was compassionate with others
the way she sacrificed her life to
others that to me really stood out yeah
that’s good and and he was on point he
had points these are good you say the
word femininity I don’t even know it’s
not a word somebody looked at it is it’s
a word that just sounded like so many
extra syllables now I’m just messing
with you okay somebody else what do you
look past it Barbara I would be looking
for someone that has the God presence in
them it’s come that well that they first
of all know God and love God because if
they know God and love God they’re gonna
do the same for me come on and I’m also
looking for that person that is secure
in who they are they know exactly who
they are and they’re willing to they’re
secured in themselves and they have
security um code word you got a job just
in case y’all didn’t get them they’re
like no I got ADT no a job okay
all right so you go ahead babe I’ll talk
about you okay no he’s pretty much the
only guy I’ve ever dated so leadership
uncut will tell you about it later on
tonight no leadership qualities so a man
that had the ability to lead others that
people naturally are kind of gravitated
towards at least for me that was
something cuz I needed someone that knew
not at the time at
14 but now I think about it someone that
could lead me and so that’s good so let
me ask you this question and and we can
get is kind of in the same vein but I
just want to hear from you guys what is
a deal maker and what’s a deal breaker
like like what’s something that you’re
looking for that be like man when they
have that quality or that character that
makes me feel good or was that one thing
that’s like mmm if they do that or if
they’re like that cannot fly
you got some rock well for me a deal
breaker was somebody who wasn’t afraid
to like come for me because my idea what
passivity and I was never forced to
stretch or do more than what I wanted to
so somebody that just wasn’t afraid to
help me go and push me to be better
did you hear that that’s that’s
transparency thank you for that he said
he dealt with our deals with passivity
which is an epidemic among men period
you see these strong women in these
passive media whatever you say honey
whatever you do had it where are we
going wherever you are like it’s just
this it’s this thing but he said because
I believe God gives us our helpmates
that he knew what he was dealing with
that means he was self-aware and then he
believed God he didn’t shun what he
needed he asked God to give and he gave
somebody that would confront and be able
to do that okay Rob now on the same
token what’s a deal breaker I was like
cleaning this thing keeping my just
super clean but every day probably my
bed is made you know I’m that kind of
person so and she’s a cleaning it freaks
okay so God gave you what you asked for
glory to God somebody else what’s a deal
breaker what you got Mandy well for me
it’s honesty especially in a culture
where it’s all about basic thinking yes
for me it was something that if for he
David was the most honest person I admit
and so for me that was a big deal maker
a deal maker was honesty yeah okay
what’s the deal breaker Mandy like if
David walked up to you and was doing
this you would have been like were you
honest but laziness laziness
did y’all hear that okay I just want you
to hear laziness is a deal-breaker Dave
I want to give you the same question
be careful today
be careful redeem yourself ideas I think
something that yeah I really wanted a
relationship was someone who’s going to
yeah be transparent I don’t know she
said honesty but that was a big thing
for me also and so one of the things
that most attracted me to Mandy was one
of the first times we hung out she
shared her testimony with me and was
just really transparent about the good
things and the bad things and what got
it done in their life so it’s huge for
me and then as far as the deal-breaker
stop looking at her today probably a
deal-breaker would be someone who
doesn’t like cheese but I married her
anyways so Mandy don’t like cheese god
bless her so okay so let me let me
propose this to single people up here
which are you for right now okay what
okay let me ask it like this how do you
stay content in the season of singleness
when you do desire to be married like
how do you because a lot of people are
struggling with being content like
because they want to go to the next
season so bad they do not embrace this
season which one of y’all want to answer
that great let’s go I think it’s
understanding that marriage is equally
as valuable as singleness yeah I wanted
they’re not one is preparing a one is
leading to the other so for me I
realized as a single person
I can do whatever I want to do have all
the time in the world to really pursue
my business pursue my passions I’ve
traveled across the world I’ve been able
to do things that meet people I’ve never
been able to do and being able to be
content in that and then also contending
God and who he’s called me to be and
really seek out and understand God and
listen for him and get to know him
develop my relationship with him was one
of the best things developing a
relationship with God without
distractions is one of the best feelings
in the world that’s awesome that’s
awesome
anybody else kills I would say I the
series whenever you talk about
singleness is when I became content
where we are just because I’m ready to
at least being gay
aged or we were around all these married
people or in a marriage belong group
thankfully just so we can learn and we
can prepare so I feel like we’ve done
all this preparation so I’m like anxious
for the next but the singleness that you
talk so it’s real recent yeah I’m I
can’t go glory to God that’s what I’m
talking we fought in this progression I
love it what you got um one thing God
had over he reminded me and continually
reminds me of is that while marriage is
a blessing and that I hope to aspire to
someday that it’s not a reward for doing
something right and thinking this is not
a punishment for doing something for not
doing that’s good that is continual
progression and also the one thing that
God gave me when he when he saved me and
brought me into Christ was security yeah
myself that can we snap that up that was
good that was good right there okay you
got something let’s go so when I was
because I got married the first time
really really young so after I got
divorced that was the first time I
really really was saved and single yeah
and I thought you know as long as I have
all my stuff together physically
financially you know all these areas
that I was gonna be married like are you
just gonna bring him and so during that
process for the longest I was like God
where is he what how long is it gonna
take but what I what I realized is all
during that time he was strengthening my
roots like he was showing himself as my
provider during that time I mean I
received bonuses and money that more
than I’ve ever made in my entire life
even with two incomes previously um he
showed himself as my healer I’m I dealt
with the sickness during that time that
was really really critical God healed me
completely he showed himself so faithful
to me over and over and over again to
where it really just made me completely
sold out that you know he was taking
care of me I was not alone during that
time and I think that’s what needed to
be solidified and where I was content
even there before I even received that’s
so good
and I want to call our attention back to
what we talked about a couple weeks
weeks ago single and alone are two
different things
a lot of people are doing with with
feelings of loneliness but you’re not
alone God said though you walk through
the valley of the shadow of death you
don’t even have to fear cuz I’m with if
you make your bed on the top of a
mountain or if you make it inhale I am
going to be right there with you the
thing is do we deny or accept the love
of God in whatever season we’re in and
that’s something that we always have to
be looking at okay let me talk to
everybody right right here what does
accountability look like in the season
that you’re in because we hear about so
many relationships going off the rails
and people having secret conversations
but people at the jobs and on Facebook
and sliding into the DMS
I’m just gonna say that do you know that
Facebook and Instagram and social media
in the past seven years I believe this
is the statistic says that has been
linked to almost 40% of divorces no no
no I want you to hear me say that very
clearly 40% of divorces have been linked
somehow to social media okay so these
are real things so how do you deal with
accountability in your relationship
whatever stage you’re in you guys are
dating how do you deal with the
countability kills so a little even
before we started officially dating we
submitted our relationship to the Todd’s
and we went on three months and did
intentional friendship and learned each
other differently and stuff like that so
since then we’ve been really close with
them and then also the Tucker’s and they
taught us that there’s a difference
between honesty and transparency so if
you’re asked to something then you’re
honest but if you’re transparent it’s
just you sharing without having to be
asked y’all need to stop and stop stop
stop because people don’t get this the a
lot of people won’t tell the truth until
they’re asked but what truth are you
giving up like what are you saying with
nobody saying where were you last night
you need to be making the text in the
car
say I did this yesterday and that’s what
true accountability looks like and I can
say that for Kelsey and Rob this is one
thing that I have not seen a lot of
people do
Kelsey comes from a past that that is
jaded and broken Rob comes from a past
that was more thugged-out and gangster
life and it don’t look like it right
here but he would kill you six years ago
straight up kill you
no there was no passivity in that moment
um but but when they came and they they
were they had been through too many
broken relationships and they said I
don’t want to do this again and so what
they said what do I have to do to do it
right and I said it’s gonna be
uncomfortable but it’s gonna help you
and so this is a nugget that I didn’t
even think I was gonna pull out but I
feel like the Spirit is telling me to
say it that we put them on three months
of intentional friendship attention a
friendship with boundaries with
boundaries what do you mean by that
Pastor Mike we knew what they were going
through and we weren’t gonna set them up
to fail and most people’s like I like
her I like her I’m grown she grown we
should be able to and they came and they
did that we had them read a book by
Jimmy Evans together we let them know
that they could not go into each other’s
living spaces and everything that they
did had to be upright nothing vertical
no kissing I mean what would what I’m
saying everything you know what I meant
you seen my hands dusky my hands no
kissing what else was it no no a lot
everything had to be for three months
this is just the beginning because when
you bring anything physical into it in
the first three months I’m no longer
trying to get to know you I’m no longer
trying to get to know you to know you
I’m trying to get to know you
and anybody with sense knows that that’s
the truth and what happens is you don’t
have an ability to have an on-ramp or an
off-ramp I said at this three months
you’re not putting that in on Facebook
Instagram that y’all doing this and all
this other stuff we’re gonna come back
after three months and you’re gonna be
able to say do I even want to continue
in this go ahead baby well other thing I
wanted to mention is they submitted
their relationship to people that they
aspired to be like in some aspect not
their friends that’s good and even say
that because of that I think that
separation God has almost separated them
from a lot of people from their past
even a friendships because they decided
to do do it differently and so I think
God has good little so that’s a nice
segue how do relationships change when
you get married Charles so how does your
relationships change when you get
married when you’re married like our
team and us being on the same thing as
the Moke it’s a single most important
thing like our unity nothing no greater
than that no friend no hobby nothing is
more important than that and so I think
as you is even speaking to
accountability you need to have people
that will ultimately push you together
like if I come to one of my friends and
I’m like man she’s crazy she’s like no
you’re crazy like you need to go back
you say or there or she has people that
was speaking say push her back to me I
think a lot of times you get people who
just want to agree with you like oh yeah
she is crazy aw yeah she is that’s not
helping you that’s drawing you apart so
I think just learning to find people who
are who are faithfully and yeah there’s
some where you want to be you don’t go
like find someone who can’t swim teach
you how to swim it don’t make no sense
so like finding people who are where you
want to be Pastor Adrienne um be 37
years in the game okay
how did your relationships change like
friendships cuz I know you had good
friends you had good friends how does
that change when you get married because
I know that’s an issue in counseling we
deal with a lot as people and the
relationships they had before the
relationship how did those things change
man this whole topic just got be just
like wow yeah 37 years ago yeah I got
some good answers I’m gonna tell you
when I got married man
I didn’t have that spiritual route y’all
come over today here you know and you
know he’s just a job turkey out there
trying to do your thing you know I love
the church and stuff you love the Lord
and stuff you know and I told God you
know I I want a good woman yeah my
mother is a great influencer to me she
had good core values and you kind of do
look at your parents like that you know
and I look for a woman that kinda like
my mama
I might my mother and so on but you know
outside of that I think that’s a lot of
questions I just like your Lord I want
that so it’s a while so when when you
say evolve a hundred a change I try to
be brief you know you good howdy Bob
because at different stages in marriage
yeah it’s like you get into a house and
you as you go through the years you go
to different rooms every room are not
accessible or you first come in you may
notice even you may know it’s there but
you will they haven’t went into it here
come to change how did it change here
well you know when I got man I’m the man
and ladies I said it I’m the man it’s
gonna roll my way
she showed me yeah I was the man but not
the way I thought I was something now
that was a process yeah that heard it
yeah I hope it okay we got a time for
this up here but good man we have
somebody saying something wrong to my
trust and accountability here at
different stages
there’s some things I leave you know the
trust I didn’t even know to even think
about trust in that way yeah I haven’t
been in that room but you know one thing
I do know what I’m gonna talk about what
I do know it’s because I was truly
seeking God for a good godly
relationship what I did not know God
carried me through that’s what I did
know was that I had a woman who loved
God also yeah so whatever values we had
that we didn’t see here I was confident
we can get through yeah see divorce is
never an option to me yeah
now let me get real here at about 15-20
years it kind of came up a little bit
like I mean George and Bob and Mary it
kind of that’s good but you got to trust
God and what God is doing with you here
and this is a God be has been she has
taught me with love God has taught me
what love is through her Wow
I think love grows with knowledge you
have to learn how to love someone even
what God hear your love for God grow
that knowledge as you begin to
experience God oh good you know how to
love God where God takes you some
valleys and stuff some deep places and
brings you out my soul looks back and
wonder how I got over turn his mic off
he’s trying to hijack the talk no but
that is some wisdom can we give God
praise for that that’s awesome that’s
that 37-years talking right there well
go ahead that’s a well I would say this
information came to me from your parents
actually yeah some years ago now but
your mom I was talking to her she was
talking about I wasn’t talking about us
for someone else and I mentioned someone
that was in a relationship or they were
married in having a single friend and
she was like honestly baby she was like
me and your dad do not have single
friends she was like you think about it
a married couple doesn’t have friends of
the opposite sex just on their own you
know like I don’t have a male friend
that’s not my husband’s friend and vice
versa he doesn’t have a girlfriend
that’s not my friend like we have either
friends that if they are single their
mutual jealous or their couple friends
that’s just it you know I’m just telling
I’m trying to save from you’re asking
for problems you’re asking for problems
when you’re trying to hold on to
relationships and and this is one of
those because you always get that it’s a
question that we had come in and I’m
just gonna take it real fast when people
say you know
well we dated before but we just want to
be friends friends okay now let me let
me just help you let me just help you it
wasn’t bad I’m not saying the
relationship was bad but you leave the
door open
it’s just wisdom for the enemy to play
on your spouse or your your your your
spouse’s mind when you are fighting for
a relationship that you don’t have to
have you’re putting a lot of eggs in the
basket on the other person you’re in a
relationship with to trust you that much
especially if you’re just starting off
to trust and believe that you’re having
someone else of the opposite sex it’s
just your friend there’s a lot of
pressure to put on somebody you know and
so and if you’re asking for insecurity
issues things like that and so we’re
just encouraging you and listen
everything we saying up here you all
gotta listen to it but that last
scripture said that wisdom cries out in
the street and it’s saying please listen
to me because it’ll guard you and
protect you i’ma go to something else
real quick when should you share details
of your past with the person you’re in
relationship with should you share it
when you upfront hey my name is Bob this
is everybody out of mess with this is
this this is this this is this should
you wait till you get married and they
run away should Jewish you know
honestly this is a question that people
know because people get in marriages
with secrets okay let’s be honest
sometimes they think well if I tell them
they probably won’t even give me a
chance
in your opinion when’s the best time
rate to tell somebody your past I think
I think for me one of the things that I
did with Nike I just say here’s
everything I’ve been through isn’t
everything expenses everybody ever dated
before here’s the history of everything
I’ve ever done here’s everything you
need to know about me I was extremely
vulnerable with her
I was extremely open with her at the
point I realized that you know what I
think I want to marry this girl I think
this is someone I really want to marry I
literally put everything on blast and I
think that opened the door for her to do
the same thing as well because she did
the same thing with me when she opened
up the door about her life and
pass and what she experienced and I
think that created a stronger
relationship with us because we can have
a stronger relationship when we know
okay there’s nothing else we’re hiding
from each other that’s good I mean even
as we continue to grow there are things
you just don’t know to tell someone
there’s things that you know is game
will conflict so as we begin to grow I
will tell her about something’s like I
did this today it’s like I didn’t know
that I didn’t realize you experienced
that I never realized she went through
that and so even though I’ve been I was
as vulnerable as I thought I was
supposed to be or as vulnerable as I
thought I could be as a life progressed
there was even more opportunities for
vulnerability that’s so good so good
Abby what you got crying and having to
tell each other all of these things that
we had done that we wish we never would
have and we were we were virgins when we
got married and we still had so much
hurt of things that we had done so I
would just always keep that in mind as
you’re making decisions in those seasons
of like is this something that I want to
tell look my spouse in the eyes and tell
them one that’s good thinking about it
in that moment John okay you you were
married before you had a life built with
somebody they passed away tragically
when do you start opening up and telling
tion table what has happened what’s
going on what do you what do you think
that looks like well I think I think
transparency is number one and she
didn’t have to ask me anything I
volunteered information to her just
because when we got to a certain place
in our relationship and I knew she was
the woman that I was gonna marry I
wanted to be open with her and honest
and just let her know hey these are the
things that happened you know with my
first wife these are the things that we
accomplished together I’m not I’m not
putting that same expectation on you
which i think is really important that’s
good because I never want her to be in
the light of who the other woman was so
I want I want what we have to be to be
one to be to be the first and so that
allowed her to have the ability to let
her go
down knowing that I didn’t put that
expectation on her and so the other
things that we talked about that I
volunteered was these are some of the
things I didn’t like in my first
marriage these are the these are some of
the things that I want us to do so that
we can have a successful man
yeah and so good let me move to
something that we got that came on from
somebody in the audience somebody asked
the sexual temptation subside when you
get married if not what are some best
practices for purity passive Adrienne I
heard you laugh when I asked you that do
sexual temptations subside when you get
married and what do you do if they don’t
well number one who society no I was a
man before I got man I’m still a man
that that got me amen
it’s just the fact that as I get older
and I’m married now I handle things
differently and now it’s a
responsibility what do I do well I think
in Cincinnati here’s some things very
basic before about wisdom number one you
got to watch you in your environment
your surroundings number one you know
your I gave your irrigate what’s your
hearing and stuff you say now you said
what happens when that you didn’t do
that that in turn in there well you know
what I take it to God I don’t want to
sound too super spiritual I’m just old
school here come on stuff but you know
what the Bible says think on these
things okay and in his system one thing
got to be I had to be real with myself
sometimes we lie to ourselves I ain’t
touched by that I’m home see God yeah
she got nice legs and a behind but I
won’t bother me no you being really real
with yourself it’s good father I have an
issue here you know and I take it to God
in prayer you know what and there are
times you know we’re talking about could
be confining a bit transparent
I have to learn that as I went through
marriage yeah so I didn’t understand
that early y’all got y’all starting off
with a lot of information and stuff here
I had to learn about accountability and
transparency and so what I do as
together went on here some things I
would just share my wife limited what’s
going on and we taste something – she’s
a godly woman trying to be quick as
passing
what’s going on here with me I talk a
lot but uh she’s a she’s a good godly
woman I many times got revealed to her
so good sometimes I don’t know how to
say what needs to be said
maybe my manhood may be attacked to say
that I have this weakness here but thank
God we have a godly woman is praying for
you see you ain’t got to say something
she just knows wow so good and she began
to talk to you and support you in a way
that the listener is gonna be okay yeah
you know if you don’t wants to marry
anytime in a little time you’ve been
through some math some battles yeah okay
I’m gonna stop right they hope that I
answer your question I’m trying to be do
you want to say anything because that
talks so much I’m trying to use Peck all
the time we heard that a sign of your
marriage is can your can your husband
trust you with information such as he’s
struggling sexually with thoughts or
anything like that or does he feel like
if he does share with you to join him in
the fight are you gonna be there to
point the finger and basically tear him
down and how dare you or are you gonna
join them in the fight and it sounds
like you definitely you’ve had to join
them in the fight pastor and I talked
early in our marriage well I think 10
years that’s early for me because we’ve
been together 37 and we said that
unfaithfulness is not the problem of
your mate it’s not that there’s
something lacking in your mate is that
there’s something lacking in you because
you made a covenant and so if you’re
going back on your covenant you need to
examine yourself not try to criticize
your mate so anytime that we shared then
it was for support because he’s coming
to me to say I have a problem and I need
you to help me so good and the same
thing with me women we don’t react like
you know we can’t fail yeah we can fail
too and we need to be just as honest and
acts
you have to come along with us to say
hold me accountable yeah that is so good
so much wisdom what you got son say I
wanted to say when what during the time
when I was single that was something
also God was developing me and was
character and integrity so even then
those times when you know you’re lonely
and you’re like you know God is this
manual just knock on my door you just
you know you have those desires but even
when you know people would reach out in
your DMS what are you gonna do during
that time I had to shut those things
down you know you can leave you can have
a response and it can leave the door
open or you can have a response to
someone and it shuts things down
immediately and so those are the areas
where God was testing me and being
single so that guess what when you’re
married and you still see things going
on or someone still approaches you
you’ve already passed those tests God
develops us all along the way so that’s
so good having your responses and things
cuz people the enemy will come try to
test you if I just want everybody to
hear this because pastor Adrienne hit it
on a little bit earlier but if the son
of man was tempted for forty days who
are we to think that we won’t be tempted
in different ways to help us fail so we
need to be prepared just a couple more
questions I really think this is helping
a lot of people let me ask this um
what Arian have you been intentional
with in your singleness I’m gonna go you
and pastor Barbara and then I want to
ask a couple Mary people what do you
wish you would have been more
intentional with when you were single
okay Arian what have you been
intentional with in your singleness
making sure I’m serving in some capacity
in the house and being sure that I’m
having fun in this time like I’m able to
travel I went into a lot of places this
year where you go
oh it’s Europe yeah
that was one thing that I think that’s
awesome you getting to experience those
things and being intentional and and
just reminding yourself of who God is
and and knowing him in a way that many
people don’t get to know him that’s so
good
pastor Barbara after being married
having a child and then being divorced
what is something that because you’ve
had two seasons of singleness what is
something that you’re being super
intentional about in this season of your
life that could help somebody else in
their singleness be intentional about
being the being that I am divorced I’m
being intentional with letting people
know that divorce is not the end of your
life yeah that you can’t move on so I am
also being intentional with showing that
I love my life yeah I love Who I am and
that I am so free and being who God
wants me to be I’m enjoying God I have
made my home a sanctuary that when I
feel lonely it is I want my home to be a
sanctuary that even young single girls
who may be struggling with who they are
and and and in their independence that
they can they could know that they can
make it if you’ve gone to divorce and
divorce is not a beautiful thing at all
God hates divorce but once you have been
walking in it or you find yourself in it
you can still live a life that is secure
you can get back on your feet you can be
strong and even if it is even going back
to the accountability part and and
knowing that sometimes yes I see a
person a young gentleman that I’m a very
cool girl a quick and sometimes Cougars
see you out here faster Barbara and I’m
honest and I’m transparent with God I’ll
say God okay now all right Stella trying
to get my groove back
I’m not hiding anything and I know that
I look good so me and Jesus
we have a top yeah but I know that the
scripture says whatever is done in the
dark is gonna come on to the tape so I
don’t hide anything from God when I go
home I go home a little and then and
when I’m lonely me and Jesus I put my
music on and I’m telling you we have a
party in my house I’m just like Adrienne
I believe in traveling I make sure that
I’m accountable when it comes to being a
good steward over what God has given me
I’m not a foolish woman and I make sure
that I take care of my home and that I
am being a good steward but what God has
given me because I want to be able to
sew into the lives of anybody that come
before me that I think that is young Oh
single marriage and I do I’ve
experienced enough to know that listen
ladies especially those of us that when
we come into marriage and you have been
independent for a long time you have to
shift you have to shift from where you
were walking alone and know that now you
are not independent and you have to be
able to be able to say that when I was
doing this by myself is no longer just i
but back to your point I am very much we
see we know you are very much we we
already got it
okay see that and hide this but I want
you to know pastor pastor Barbour
hollaby I’m 67 6 what is that I know I’m
fine
great so awesome last thing I want to
ask him we got to get out of here maybe
we could do this all day because this is
some really good are you guys being a
help it’s about some of this stuff
that’s happening up here so good cake so
let me ask this question
what’s the scripture that helps guide
what season you’re in right now like
what’s what’s something that’s helped
anchor you whether you’re married or
whether you’re single or whether you
what’s something that’s helped anchor
you pastor barber the scripture that
says no matter what state you’re in
there with be content that took me
through the tumultuous time that I had
when I was going through my divorce yeah
so looking at having to take on the the
the expenses where it was two full-time
people in my life and carrying the
weight of home job whatever and that
scripture is what kept me on course yeah
no matter what state you’re in there
with be content that’s why I said I’m
divorced and satisfied anybody else
anybody else got a scripture Charles I
think they’re ours is Ephesians 3:20 God
is able to do more exceedingly more
abundantly than you can ask think or
imagine that’s so good what you got
proverbs 3:5 and 6 trust in the Lord
with all thine heart and lean not unto
your own understanding but in all your
ways acknowledge him and he will direct
your path so good right what you got
right excited to see first the kingdom
of God His righteousness and everything
else will be added unto you man what you
got wrought for minds it would be
discerning power of three five six
because I’m pulling into a season where
and my family I don’t have anybody to
look at as an example so I’m going into
something that I have no idea about but
I’m trusting to him that I’ll be able to
lead the current work that’s so good
so did um I think I think mine would be
Isaiah 26 and three you will keep in
perfect peace all who trust in you and
all whose thoughts are fixed
on God I think for me and Natalie we’ve
been through a lot of different seasons
but because our mind is fixed and
focused on God we trust him like hey
this sucks right now but we trust God
hey we don’t have as much money as we
need right now
ha ha but we trust God hey one of our
children is going through an issue and
we really need God to come through but
we we trust you and when you have faith
and focus you win I just want to
encourage everybody in your
relationships wherever you are thank you
guys for being so transparent but
wherever you are in your relationship I
want you to know that only you need two
things you need faith in God and you
need to stay focused on what God is
trying to do in your life and if you
have those two things one day you’ll be
sitting on the couch with whatever stage
of relationship you’re in and you’ll be
sharing the faithfulness of God me and
Natalie aspire to be 37 years in the
game like the Humphreys um but that
doesn’t negate the seven years we’re in
right now so be content in whatever
season you have and allow God to work on
you in that season can we pray for
everybody right now I want us to just
stretch our faith not saying that we’re
perfect people but progressing people
and we want to pray over this group of
people father we thank you for every
person that is listen father we we
extend our faith father God we’re not
who are not up here like we’ve figured
it out father but we trust you and we
have faith to believe you God we pray
for every marriage god there’s marriages
in this room that are going through hell
right now God and I’m praying that the
peace of God will begin to flow in those
marriages god I thank you Father that
there are people who in here that are
single who have been discontent father
and I thank you right now you are
bringing a level of peace that passes
their understanding father I thank you
for even the person who’s divorced and
is going through a hurt and trying to
figure it out I think you as passive
Adrian say father you’re gonna be the
one who carries us through the valleys
as well as you’re gonna carry us to the
mountaintops Oh
the spirit I’m asking you to uncut us
from every relationship that’s not like
you everything that’s not adding to us
but bringing us harm father and we thank
you for restoration of those father God
who are far apart from each other but
need you to come into their relationship
I thank you for passion being renewed I
thank you for love being intentional
father and I thank you that you would be
the sinner we trust you and believe you
that our relationship goals father God
will be centered in you and you’ll do
something amazing to transform our lives
in Jesus name we agree Amen let’s give
God praise
[Applause]